Blog of R'kik D'nec

BitTorrent
TorrentSearch
Gotta love it :)

You think you've learned your lesson, but then you find yourself back in the same old situations, doing the same old stupid things.....

I keep taking bigger and bigger steps until I fall right off the edge of the cliff and into the depths of despair. Hopefully, one day an angel will swoop down and save me from hitting the bottom.....

Lyrics that aren't words can be profound.....

It's important to look at the bigger issues, but then again, the bigger issues are really relative, I mean, what looks bigger than what's right in front of your nose?

You always want more, and you will always want what you can't have.....

Just because you know you can't have something doesn't mean you can stop wanting it.....

No matter how hard you try, you can never successfully lie to yourself.....

Duck tape really can't fix everything.....

If you try to make something invisible, people will see right through it.....

Sleep is good.

I wouldn't say that things are going badly. This past week I've been ahead in my schoolwork, I've gotten plenty of sleep, I've gotten several new leads on co-op (see below), not to mention that my birthday was Tuesday and I got to see my dad and brother.

Somehow, all of that's not enough.

I keep waking up miserable. Why should I bother getting up? Why is my life worth living? What am I missing??? I don't really know what the problem is. I just feel like there's some void in my life that needs to be filled in.

It's like rotting from the inside out.

Which means there's still that stupid shell that everyone sees. It makes you think how often, or rather, how seldom people get beyond it. People are so shallow. I can't think of the last time I had a real, meaningful discussion with someone. In fact, maybe that's the problem.

Loneliness.

I mean, there are people around me. The thing is, I don't think that I really care about them, and consequently, I don't think that they really care about me either. I'd like to have a deeper connection with people. I'd like to be cared about. Honestly, I'd like to feel important. Actually, it pisses me off to have people around me, only to talk about daily activities or the weather.

I believe that people are selfish.

Everyone cares about themselves, first and foremost. I know I do. Maybe I'm just a bad person. I care about myself, and other people should too. If they cared about me first, then I would care about them. It's a connection, it's a relationship. When will this happen, if ever? This is why I say "I don't have any friends".....and you thought I was being sarcastic.

So what does this mean?

I'm just not happy. I think that people were meant to connect with others. It's a basic need, and I don't think that it's being met for me.

(Just in case you were wondering.)
GE Aircraft engines: Interviewed and rejected.
Codonics: Interviewed twice, more than two weeks later, and I still haven't heard back....
Saint Gobain: Recieved offer for programming position this past Monday, and declined it Thursday.
NASA Glenn research center: Interview scheduled for this coming Monday or Tuesday....

So basically, NASA is the most exciting prospect so far, and the kind of job I really want. I think that I made the right decision turning down the programming job, but it still hurt. Yes, I'm giving up almost $17k, but would it really be worth 7 months of misery? Then there's Codonics, who I expressed frustration with a week ago, and nothing's changed since then. OK, boring stuff over.....^^^next entry^^^(which you probably read first)

"Don't trust anyone. Ever.

(and be miserable as a result)"

OK, so when I said this, I wasn't trying to actually suggest that nobody should ever trust anyone else. Notice the italicized disclaimer and its obvious juxtaposition against the first bold statement. I concede that if my outlandish statement is followed that misery and an incomplete life would be the result. I put forth this statement as an answer to my own question not as a definite truth, but instead as a sarcastic place filler for a question that has no answer. That is the real point I was trying to make. However, instead of merely coming out and saying it, I was trying to get the reader to think about it on a deeper level, and put forth their own answers, before coming to the conclusion that, like many things in life, there is no true answer. It was my intention that, after reading both statements, and seeing the cause and effect relationship between them that I put forth, that the reader would be able to see not only the fallacy of the first statement, but also come to the conclusion that a life formed by the second statement is not a life worth living. This in turn would undermine the first statement, and the entire argument, leading to the realization that the answer to the question was not to be taken seriously. I thought that I had made my sarcasm clear enough, but apparently not. I apologize.

And this is why I don't trust people. I keep getting these crazy ideas that everyone's out to get me. I keep telling myself that I'm paranoid. But what happens when I find out that my suspicions were right? OK, I guess I'm dramatizing things a little. Let's take a look at the facts, shall we? I was curious to see if my blog showed up in search engines, and so I did a little test. One of the first things that popped up, however, was a website made by a fellow Case student. (Incidentally, most of the results, including the #1, were webpages in German....go figure) By the way, my blog didn't show up, if you're curious. So I take a look at this guy's website, and guess what I find? There are a couple pictures of me, and the essence of what he wrote was more or less offensive to me. His basic topics were that I never talk to anybody and I have no hope at a love life. Everything was in a harsh, sarcastic tone, and in my opinion made me look bad. In reality, who reads this stuff and what's their perception of it? It doesn't really matter. What matters is that I don't like it and I find it offensive. So I find out whose website this is, and it turns out to be a guy I knew freshman year of college, which was basically a pretty rough time for me. This is a guy that I never really liked, and who I always thought didn't like me. Turns out I was right all along, but that's not much comfort. So anyway, I was/am pretty pissed off at this kid. What a jerk, that he has to demean others to feel better about himself. Now let me get into why exactly I have a problem with this whole thing. Basically, I don't like the idea that somebody that I haven't even met (especially someone I might meet, e.g. someone that goes to my college) can read something about me and have false preconceived notions about me without ever actually getting to know me. This is actually one of my recurring fears. I'm worried a lot of the time that there are people out there that don't like me and are trying to ruin me. I always have told myself that I'm just paranoid, but now I'm not sure what to think. It really bothers me that there are idiotic people out there like this. Honestly though, does it really matter? Is this whole thing really that big a deal? No, I guess not. Is it worth retaliating over? Probably not. It's mostly the principle of the thing that gets me, and to make things worse what he was saying strikes close to home in terms of my own self doubts and fears. So what can we conclude from all this? Don't trust anyone. Ever.

(and be miserable as a result)

Unrelated: Lately, I've come to the conclusion that I have a problem with jealousy. Pray for me about that. Also remind me to do an entry on it sometime.

Side note: "blog" gets caught by the blog spellchecker, lol

Additional random angry point: I still haven't heard back from Codonics, even though they said they would get back to me by the end of the week. Not that I expect to get the job, but still....you would think they would at least tell me so.

So I felt surprisingly good today. No particular reason, but I just seemed to be content with things. Strange, huh?

I don't think that I'm going to write anything about Fall Conference here, at least not right now. I'm sure some issues will pop up at some time or another, but I figure I've already talked to most people who were interested about it. Besides, there are a lot of things that are just too difficult to put into words. If you want to know more details, just ask me. I'd rather discuss things personally than generally anyway.

AIM: rkikdnec

So I just finished watching The Matrix Revolutions, and I must say, I'm a little let down. First off, I'm glad that Neo died, but I'm not happy that they hint at him somehow not being really dead at the very end. Once again, Smith is great, and probably the coolest character in the movie. His speech about why Neo keeps on going against all hope is probably my favorite dialogue:

"Why Mr. Andersen? Why? Why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why do you keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom, or truth, perhaps peace, could it be for love? Delusions Mr. Andersen...temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose, and all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself. Although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it Mr. Andersen, you must know it by now. You can't win, it's pointless to keep fighting. Why Mr. Andersen? Why? Why do you persist?"

That's about as deep as the movie gets. It's basically the meaning of life question, and asking what's really worth living for. Also though, it's questioning the things generally accepted as truly deeply important; freedom, peace, love, etc... and saying that these things are no more important or true than anything else, which basically leaves no answer. Well, there is Neo's answer: "Because I choose to." Whatever. There were quite a few cheesey lines like that, which bothered me. I liked the first Matrix movie when it first came out. Looking back at it, it's only average. The point is that it was revolutionary for its time. The second and third movies, however were not. I definitely don't like the direction that they took. I understand that sequel=money, but I think the first movie should have been a standalone. I definitely consider it a sellout. Also, the second movie, while rather confusing and vague, had potential. There were so many other better routes that the directors could have taken rather than what is presented in the third movie. It definitely leaves you with a "That's it?" feeling. To be fair, however, after the impact of the first movie, the expectations for the second and third were enormous. I guess my biggest gripe with the third movie, as is my gripe with most movies is the relatively happy and predictable ending. Zion is saved because of Neo, even though he had to die, but he might come back somehow. Everybody's happy. Yay. That's just stupid. Things shouldn't always end like that. Life does not always have happy endings. I think that it would have been cool if the ending had resulted in everything leading up to it being for nothing. This could be accomplished in so many ways. The machines could have won, it could have been revealed that the "real world" was just another layer in the matrix, etc... etc... I think this kind of ending would have nicely complimented Smith's speech nicely. It could have shown that indeed, everything is meaningless and fake and empty. That is probably my favorite conceivable type of movie ending. Just as long as it doesn't become commonplace and expected. So basically, that's my short take on The Matrix Revolutions. At least it was free. Viva la network!

(edit) Oh yeah, and I was pissed that the credits weren't done to a Rage Against the Machine song. The millions of sentinel droids were very cool though, and that was one of my favorite visual effects parts.

Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow:)

I say that I'm insignificant, that I haven't made a big contribution to anyone's life and that no one would miss me if I were gone. You of course tell me that this isn't true, that I'm important as a person and go on to tell me how I'm important to you. This is exactly what I expect you to say however, and in fact by my saying the first part, I'm really inciting you to give me compliments and motivational crap. Does it really make me feel any better? No. Is it worth going through this stupid process then? No. I would like to think that I have a positive impact on people's lives around me, but I can't convince myself that it's true, and neither can you. If you try to tell me that I'm important, then I dismiss what you're saying as false because it's exactly what I expect you to say. Of course, if you tell me that I'm a horrible person, then it's unexpected, but it really doesn't help anything either. There's really nothing you can say. Why do I even write this stuff? It just becomes a continual cycle of misery. I guess it's good to get things out, but in the end it really doesn't make me feel any better. This sucks. There's really nothing I can say.