Blog of R'kik D'nec

Humorous.

Last night was a lot of fun. I went to Adam B's going away party up in Buffalo. There were a lot of people there. Some that I knew, some that I know now, and some that I still never really met. It was so invigorating to get out and meet people again though. I've spent far too much of this summer alone. Besides, funneling beer with Last Conservative is always entertaining. This coming Wednesday is the LC/DTEA show in Buffalo. Free, 7:30 pm, Chippewa St, you should come if you can. Most likely an afterparty too, so it should be another good time. Then, Thursday I'm most likely going to Columbus, followed by a visit to the University of Cincinnati on Friday, and finally returning to Cleveland on Friday night/Saturday afternoon to visit friends. Which I should really make plans for by the way. Yesterday my mom went crazy cleaning and rearranging my room. It was interesting to go through all the stuff that I'd stored in my closets the past 6 or so years. I'm glad that I got everything sorted through, though. Plus, I have new sheets now which are awesome. 500 threadcount, 100% cotton, pure softness. It's not McDonald's, but I'm still loving it. (That's not implying I love McDonald's, though. In fact, I'm really not too fond of it.) Nothing really too new on the job front. I got another email from the insurance sales people asking me to interview next week. I'm not sure if I mentioned them before, but it all seems kind of shady. I think mostly because the first email I got from them went to my gmail spam folder. I'm really not sure if I want to sell insurance, but if it pays well, (which they claim it does), it might be OK for awhile. Who knows. I still have no idea what I actually want to do. All I know is that last night was good. This coming week should be good too.

Current Mood: Stimulated
Currently listening to: Silent Alarm by Bloc Party
Last movie I saw: Broken Flowers
One line review: Indie and interesting, fairly good, but not great.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2.0 sucks

OK, so I really don't have anything to write about or report on. Prepare for pointless rambling. (But at least I'm updating regularly!) Sam is back at college now, leaving my parents and I alone at home. I still haven't moved my car up from the lower driveway to the upper (to replace the car my parents let Sam take to college). I'll move it eventually, but who knows when the next time I'll even use it is. I have nowhere to go. I have no one to see. Assuming all goes according to plan, I'll be visiting the University of Cincinnati and Cleveland over Labour Day weekend. Then I get to come back to a dentist appointment. (Use utmost sarcasm in reading the next sentence.) Oh joy. (Referring to the dentist; the trip I'm looking forward to.) I guess that's a summary of my life right now. I tried to apply to this drug dealer job that one of my parent's friends referred me to. (Technically pharmaceutical product sales, but whatever.) They guy promised that they were looking for college graduates with no experience necessary, so I filled out the resume and survey accordingly. Then the website told me I didn't have the necessary experience. Go figure. Both Broken Flowers and The Aristocrats are playing in Buffalo/Rochester finally. Hopefully I can go see one or both of those sometime in the next week or so. The 31st of August, Last Conservative (de Buffalo) and Down to Earth Approach (de Batavia) are playing a free concert in Buffalo, which should be pretty sweet. Anyone wanna go with me? Going out and doing things by yourself is so depressing. Today when I got up (around 4 PM) my mom came up to my room and asked what was wrong with me, and if I needed to see a doctor. I was a bit taken aback. I mean, yeah, it seems like I have nothing to live for sometimes, but I haven't really thought of myself as depressed or anything. I'm just getting by as best as I can, waiting for some great revelation. I don't know why I expect anything to come to me without actually doing any work, but I can dream can't I? Hey, I've always got the monkey sounds album and music video idea to fall back on, right? (Don't ask.) This is the turning point. The end of the summer as I know it. I'm all alone and I need a future. What the *bleep* am I going to do now?

Current Mood: Ambivalent
Currently listening to: Crimson by The Alkaline Trio
Last movie I saw: The Rules of Attraction
One line review: Better than I expected, very cool beginning
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2.5 sucks

As my brother and I were walking through Tops tonight, I became deeply sickened. What set it off was a pack of Care-Free gum that promised to "whiten teeth". Why on earth do we need a gum that whitens teeth? Not only that, but what's with "lightly salted" Lay's with half the sodium? There's nothing wrong with the salt content of regular potato chips! I mean come on, it's obvious that chips are bad for you, why even try to delude yourself into thinking you're being healthy because you're only eating half the salt? You know what else there's nothing wrong with? Sugar! It's pure, it's natural, and it's delicious. Who needs Splenda, Sweet'n'Low, Equal, or "sugar twin"? There are so many products out there that just disgust me. It seems that recently companies have been coming out with more and more new products and telling us that we need them. Regular gum isn't enough... you need the stuff that whitens teeth! You need chips with less sodium, beer with fewer calories, and bread that's low-carb! That isn't progress! Is it just me, or are we moving backwards? If it's not broke, don't fix it. Don't brainwash us into thinking we need the newest and the best product just so you can boost your bottom line. My philosophy is that if you're going to have something, have the real thing. Eat the original Ben and Jerry's, drink the good beer, use real sugar! Don't bother with this new crap that everybody seems to be putting out. Tell the greedy corporate giants to take their new and "improved" products and shove them! Because, seriously, it's getting ridiculous. OK, rant over... for now.

So yeah, by the way, I finally figured out what the title L. G. Fuad stands for last night, thanks to Tony. I thought it was the strangest song title (on the new Motion City Soundtrack album, Commit This To Memory, which by the way is awesome and I've been playing constantly for the past two months), and I finally realized that it corresponds to the opening line of the song. "Let's get fucked up and die. (I am speaking figuratively, of course)". Go out and listen to the album if you haven't already. It's good.

Current Mood: Conflicted
Currently listening to: Commit This To Memory by Motion City Soundtrack and Healthy in Paranoid Times by Our Lady Peace
Last movie I saw: The Big Lebowski (again, still)
One line review: Hilarious, a comedy classic, easily stands up to repeated viewings.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 0.5 sucks

So if you navigated here from my AIM profile, you probably noticed that the new link to my blog says "Something blue". Besides completing the phrase, which was stretched to begin with, I thought it was appropriate in a twisted sort of way. Really, I just wanted to highlight the newness of MySpace and Facebook seemed to be the appropriate 'old' correlation. I put Audioscrobbler... and yes, I'm still going to call it Audioscrobbler instead of "Last FM", (just like it shall always be Presti's instead of Gilly's in my mind)... as the something borrowed because I kind of stole the idea from Mark. And finally, no, nobody is getting married, so stop jumping to conclusions. Anyway... the blog got stuck with the "Something blue", and just as well, considering the numerous times people have told me that what I post always seems depressing. So I'll concede that most of my previous blog entries have been less than optimistic. I liken it to the way people sometimes only have bad memories of someone who's passed away or that they've broken up with, instead of recalling the good times. (Yes, you can tell I just watched the new episode of Six Feet Under last night.) It just seems that more often than not I'm motivated to post by the lows rather than the highs of my life, the gutters rather than the strikes, if you will. (You'd better be able to figure out that allusion on your own...) By the way, now that I'm actually keeping up with my blog again, I'd kind of like to see some comments to be assured that my reader base has not completely abandoned me. And now, after that lengthy introduction, we come to the actual topic of this post... (As if my elegant prose were not enough to captivate you.) ...which is the explanation you've all been craving. Why is my blog the haphazard stroke of "blue" that it is? Well, in my mini-blog on MySpace, I called this my "electronic shrink". I guess in a way it has become a sort of self-induced psychotherapy. There are times when everyone just has to let their emotions out somehow. I've said before how I'm the type of person especially who otherwise would keep turning things over and over in my head until I go crazy from it. I'm also the kind of person who would like to be straightforward with everything. I've said before how I often wish that people would just say what was on their minds and not try and lie to cover up their emotions. It's astonishing how many profiles are out there looking for people who "don't play games". I'm honestly not even sure what that means, but this whole "deception for the sake of civility" thing and the holding back of true emotions, is about the best guess I can come up with. In that case, I'm one-hundred percent in favor of abolishing "the game". In a way, my blog is a hesitant step towards being more honest with everyone. In reality though, I still have a long way to go. I make my little rants about whatever's bothering me at the time, but I still find myself holding back, speaking in codes, and trying not to divulge so much information as would make me vulnerable. That process of writing things down, though, and processing my thoughts in a way as to make them somewhat understandable, helps me deal with things. It really is a therapy of sorts. I guess what I really wanted to say in the end is, don't judge me by what I write on this website. Day to day and moment to moment, I can usually get along pretty well. My life is not all doom and gloom as one might think from only reading my postings. It's like looking at a rainbow through a filter and seeing only the blue. You miss the true beauty....

Damn I wish I could be poetic.

Current Mood: If only it were as simple as typing a word and having it be so...
Currently listening to: You Forgot It in People by Broken Social Scene
Last movie I saw: The Big Lebowski (again)
One line review: Hilarious, a comedy classic, easily stands up to repeated viewings.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 0.5 sucks

I'll leave it to you to decide which is more exciting... Anyway, it has been awhile. Two and a half months since graduation. Nothing much has changed since then. I've been slowly applying for a few more jobs, but mostly just enjoying the summer. I've been biking a lot, riding about 10 miles a day. It at least gets me out of the house every day. For the most part we've had pretty nice weather. I've loved sleeping in and having free time, but after awhile it gets a bit old. One day seems to run into the next and it all blurs together. It seems like I'm stuck in one place and time keeps rushing past. Think of those photographs with long exposure times where lights look like streaks and that's sort of what it feels like. Or in movies, where the film is sped up and everything changes from day to night and season to season. Speaking of seasons, my brother is going back to college next week and the summer is quickly eroding away. I have a feeling that things are going to get a bit awkward when my brother's gone and it's only my parents and I in the house. I feel like Batavia holds nothing for me anymore. I'm not in touch with anyone that I went to high school with, and if I socialize at all it's mostly with my brother's friends. I really wish I knew more people around here and had more things to keep me occupied. Then there were my two trips to Cleveland this summer and my weekend in Niagara Falls. I'm really not sure if they helped or hurt the situation. I enjoyed seeing friends from college, but on some level I feel like I should be severing myself from Case. Not to mention other *cough* complications which arose on the trips. Let's just say the first trip was the best and it went downhill from there. Regardless, I don't care anymore. Things happen, and every experience is a learning one. I've been anxious lately. I want to get out of here and started on the rest of my life. The problem is, I don't want to put in the work required to do that. It's just too easy to sleep 12 hours, wake up, wander aimlessly through the day, and repeat. Looking for jobs is depressing. The jobs I'm interested in I'm not qualified for. The jobs I'm qualified for I'm either not really qualified for or not excited about. It may not seem like a big deal to fill out a resume and write a cover letter and press send, but just going through the process brings up so many questions and emotions. I'm basically at a point where I'll only apply for jobs that excite me in some way. I've been thinking about it and it seems that I'd be happier in a position where there's at least some level of recognition. Either by company name of by the end product that I would be working on. It's just not enough for me to be some engineer working on such and such a system for some product that some industry uses and the general public never even knows about. As an example, the last job that I found that I actually applied to was an iPod hardware designer at Apple. It's a product that people know and I imagine that working on it would give a certain satisfaction. There's a tangible result that you can point to and be proud of. I guess I've always had kind of a desire for recognition and respect. I can recall numerous childhood fantasies of fame and fortune. Does that make me a bad person? Not at all. I think everyone has at least some need to be recognized and to take pride in their work. I respect all those people who work behind the scenes and make things possible, but it's just not for me. So that's the problem. Finding the right job in the right place. As I've said before, I really want to get out of Batavia/Western NY. I wonder what it'll take to motivate me to actually take action and pursue my future. I'll be honest, it'll probably come down to money. At this rate, I should go broke in November or December. Four more months. Then we'll see how much I have to compromise on my dreams and desires. I've got a little bit of an idea for a screenplay. A beginning, an ending and some sort of general story arc. It's not scene by scene yet, and I don't know if I'll ever actually write the whole thing, but it's something I've been distracting myself with. Even then, I don't have the motivation to work on something that interests me. I'd rather sit around and do nothing. I feel so unproductive and worthless sometimes. Sloth is the easy way out. I really don't know how to motivate myself anymore. It gets frustrating. Yet I know that I probably won't have this kind of opportunity again until I retire. One day at a time, but every day is the same. How is it that I always find something to worry about? I should be living the ideal life right now. I have absolutely no right to complain, and yet I find myself holding back from living. One thing's for sure. If there's any 'right' time to change things it's now. Or at least next week when my brother leaves. I'm going to leave you with some lyrics from Modest Mouse that have been in my AIM profile for awhile. Hopefully I'll find the strength to start living by these words and making the most of each day that I have. It's the "Summer of Phil!" (Just remember to watch your step and avoid the super glossy invitations ;-) Speaking of invitations, I almost forgot to mention that I'm on MySpace now. My handle is (what else?) "rkikdnec", and there's a link over on the right. Feel free to explore my profile and send me an invite if you're on there too. Thanks.

It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember , it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time

Current Mood: Better than usual (believe it or not)
Currently listening to: Guero by Beck
Last movie I saw: I don't remember...I've been watching mostly TV lately (Deadwood and Six Feet Under)
One line review: N/A
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): N/A sucks