Monday, August 08, 2005
Return to flight, Return to blogging
I'll leave it to you to decide which is more exciting... Anyway, it has been awhile. Two and a half months since graduation. Nothing much has changed since then. I've been slowly applying for a few more jobs, but mostly just enjoying the summer. I've been biking a lot, riding about 10 miles a day. It at least gets me out of the house every day. For the most part we've had pretty nice weather. I've loved sleeping in and having free time, but after awhile it gets a bit old. One day seems to run into the next and it all blurs together. It seems like I'm stuck in one place and time keeps rushing past. Think of those photographs with long exposure times where lights look like streaks and that's sort of what it feels like. Or in movies, where the film is sped up and everything changes from day to night and season to season. Speaking of seasons, my brother is going back to college next week and the summer is quickly eroding away. I have a feeling that things are going to get a bit awkward when my brother's gone and it's only my parents and I in the house. I feel like Batavia holds nothing for me anymore. I'm not in touch with anyone that I went to high school with, and if I socialize at all it's mostly with my brother's friends. I really wish I knew more people around here and had more things to keep me occupied. Then there were my two trips to Cleveland this summer and my weekend in Niagara Falls. I'm really not sure if they helped or hurt the situation. I enjoyed seeing friends from college, but on some level I feel like I should be severing myself from Case. Not to mention other *cough* complications which arose on the trips. Let's just say the first trip was the best and it went downhill from there. Regardless, I don't care anymore. Things happen, and every experience is a learning one. I've been anxious lately. I want to get out of here and started on the rest of my life. The problem is, I don't want to put in the work required to do that. It's just too easy to sleep 12 hours, wake up, wander aimlessly through the day, and repeat. Looking for jobs is depressing. The jobs I'm interested in I'm not qualified for. The jobs I'm qualified for I'm either not really qualified for or not excited about. It may not seem like a big deal to fill out a resume and write a cover letter and press send, but just going through the process brings up so many questions and emotions. I'm basically at a point where I'll only apply for jobs that excite me in some way. I've been thinking about it and it seems that I'd be happier in a position where there's at least some level of recognition. Either by company name of by the end product that I would be working on. It's just not enough for me to be some engineer working on such and such a system for some product that some industry uses and the general public never even knows about. As an example, the last job that I found that I actually applied to was an iPod hardware designer at Apple. It's a product that people know and I imagine that working on it would give a certain satisfaction. There's a tangible result that you can point to and be proud of. I guess I've always had kind of a desire for recognition and respect. I can recall numerous childhood fantasies of fame and fortune. Does that make me a bad person? Not at all. I think everyone has at least some need to be recognized and to take pride in their work. I respect all those people who work behind the scenes and make things possible, but it's just not for me. So that's the problem. Finding the right job in the right place. As I've said before, I really want to get out of Batavia/Western NY. I wonder what it'll take to motivate me to actually take action and pursue my future. I'll be honest, it'll probably come down to money. At this rate, I should go broke in November or December. Four more months. Then we'll see how much I have to compromise on my dreams and desires. I've got a little bit of an idea for a screenplay. A beginning, an ending and some sort of general story arc. It's not scene by scene yet, and I don't know if I'll ever actually write the whole thing, but it's something I've been distracting myself with. Even then, I don't have the motivation to work on something that interests me. I'd rather sit around and do nothing. I feel so unproductive and worthless sometimes. Sloth is the easy way out. I really don't know how to motivate myself anymore. It gets frustrating. Yet I know that I probably won't have this kind of opportunity again until I retire. One day at a time, but every day is the same. How is it that I always find something to worry about? I should be living the ideal life right now. I have absolutely no right to complain, and yet I find myself holding back from living. One thing's for sure. If there's any 'right' time to change things it's now. Or at least next week when my brother leaves. I'm going to leave you with some lyrics from Modest Mouse that have been in my AIM profile for awhile. Hopefully I'll find the strength to start living by these words and making the most of each day that I have. It's the "Summer of Phil!" (Just remember to watch your step and avoid the super glossy invitations ;-) Speaking of invitations, I almost forgot to mention that I'm on MySpace now. My handle is (what else?) "rkikdnec", and there's a link over on the right. Feel free to explore my profile and send me an invite if you're on there too. Thanks.
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember , it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
Current Mood: Better than usual (believe it or not)
Currently listening to: Guero by Beck
Last movie I saw: I don't remember...I've been watching mostly TV lately (Deadwood and Six Feet Under)
One line review: N/A
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): N/A sucks
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
We're alive for the first time
It's hard to remember were alive for the last time
It's hard to remember, it's hard to remember
To live before you die
It's hard to remember , it's hard to remember
That our lives are such a short time
Current Mood: Better than usual (believe it or not)
Currently listening to: Guero by Beck
Last movie I saw: I don't remember...I've been watching mostly TV lately (Deadwood and Six Feet Under)
One line review: N/A
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): N/A sucks
Comments:
man, i'm telling you...when you find the job that God has in store for you, it's worth all of the time, trouble, effort, prayer, frustration, etc etc that goes into the discernment, search, and application process.
seriously, right now, while you're young and single, you should take risks and follow your dreams. if you want to move somewhere or take a low-paying-but-very-interesting job, go for it. believe me, when another person enters the picture, it makes spontaneous movement much, much more difficult. not that it's a bad thing at all (being in a serious relationship is a huge blessing) but when you're dating someone who can't leave a certain location for a few years, it can make for some frustration in life if you want to be somewhere else or doing something different.
i took a big risk when i decided to pursue teaching. keep in mind, i was pre-prof law at case, and for most of my college career, i had told everyone i was going to go to law school. when i decided to enter the teaching field, it extended my college tenure (as well as my debts related to college) and meant that i would make MUCH less $ in the future. additionally, social studies jobs are harder than hell to come by in cleveland. i had a nearly constant stream of people tell me that teaching social studies was a shaky career path and that i wouldn't make a lot of $, wouldn't be able to find a job, etc...well, i don't make a lot of $, but i LOVE my job. honestly, the days that i would have preferred to stay home instead of go into work can be counted on one hand, and most of those are when i don't get enough sleep the night before, not because i don't like my job. until sheila finishes up and we (hopefully) leave cleveland, i can see myself staying at LifeSkills and being very happy doing so.
the way i look at it, pursuing something and not succeeding is far, far more preferable to not pursuing what you really and truly want to do in life (or what you feel called to do). you don't want to be one of those old dudes who wakes up one day when he's in his 50's hating his job and wishing that he had tried to do what he really wanted to do back when he was young and able to do so. dudes like that wind up being bad fathers and crappy husbands, and i know that you're too good of a guy to wind up like that. God has more in store for you than that. believe me, if you follow what He wants to do and seek His will for your life, He will give you all that you could have asked for and more. it would be against the character of God and violate the promises in His Word for Him to lead you onto a career path and not provide the basic necessities of life for you.
i never in my life thought i would hold a job that gives me so much satisfaction, a job that is so satisfying that i don't mind working weekends and nights for. i honestly believe that there is a job like that for every single person who walks the Earth, and that they can find it if they seek God and make decisions based on their heart and His plan, not based on $, prestige, what their parents want, etc etc.
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seriously, right now, while you're young and single, you should take risks and follow your dreams. if you want to move somewhere or take a low-paying-but-very-interesting job, go for it. believe me, when another person enters the picture, it makes spontaneous movement much, much more difficult. not that it's a bad thing at all (being in a serious relationship is a huge blessing) but when you're dating someone who can't leave a certain location for a few years, it can make for some frustration in life if you want to be somewhere else or doing something different.
i took a big risk when i decided to pursue teaching. keep in mind, i was pre-prof law at case, and for most of my college career, i had told everyone i was going to go to law school. when i decided to enter the teaching field, it extended my college tenure (as well as my debts related to college) and meant that i would make MUCH less $ in the future. additionally, social studies jobs are harder than hell to come by in cleveland. i had a nearly constant stream of people tell me that teaching social studies was a shaky career path and that i wouldn't make a lot of $, wouldn't be able to find a job, etc...well, i don't make a lot of $, but i LOVE my job. honestly, the days that i would have preferred to stay home instead of go into work can be counted on one hand, and most of those are when i don't get enough sleep the night before, not because i don't like my job. until sheila finishes up and we (hopefully) leave cleveland, i can see myself staying at LifeSkills and being very happy doing so.
the way i look at it, pursuing something and not succeeding is far, far more preferable to not pursuing what you really and truly want to do in life (or what you feel called to do). you don't want to be one of those old dudes who wakes up one day when he's in his 50's hating his job and wishing that he had tried to do what he really wanted to do back when he was young and able to do so. dudes like that wind up being bad fathers and crappy husbands, and i know that you're too good of a guy to wind up like that. God has more in store for you than that. believe me, if you follow what He wants to do and seek His will for your life, He will give you all that you could have asked for and more. it would be against the character of God and violate the promises in His Word for Him to lead you onto a career path and not provide the basic necessities of life for you.
i never in my life thought i would hold a job that gives me so much satisfaction, a job that is so satisfying that i don't mind working weekends and nights for. i honestly believe that there is a job like that for every single person who walks the Earth, and that they can find it if they seek God and make decisions based on their heart and His plan, not based on $, prestige, what their parents want, etc etc.
# posted by 
: 3:21 AM
: 3:21 AM