Blog of R'kik D'nec

As you may or may not have noticed, my blog now has a new subtitle. I chose to replace the old one because it really didn't describe what I've been doing here too well. In case you forgot, the old subtitle was "the random musings of a college student". First of all, I don't really consider myself a college student right now since I'm on co-op, and secondly I realized that my posts were deliberate and thought out more than random. Hence, the new subtitle, "some guy trying to come to grips with who he is and what his place is in the world". I think that this describes the general theme of my posts thus far, and really what I consider myself to be "doing" at this point in my life. Hope you enjoy. I'd love to hear your comments.

Last night I went and saw A Perfect Circle at Tower City Amphitheater. It was a great show. They played a good mix of songs off of the new and the old albums, and they ended with The Noose followed by Judith. The sound was balanced well and the band didn't do an encore, which I think is a great move. Encores always sort of annoy me. I figure that they finished strongly anyway, so why make the people wait for more? Also, one of the things that I thought was really cool was that the band really promoted free speech. When they said that their video got banned from MTV everyone (including myself) cheered. What MTV does to music sucks by the way. There's a good quote from School of Rock; "Rock and roll used to be about sticking it to the Man, but then the Man got ahold of it too, and that Man is called MTV" Anyway, at one point they were like "We're going to do an experiment, on the count of three everyone say "shitfuck" and then look at the reactions of your neighbors." So that's what everyone did, and then they said, "See, nothing happened. Nobody's freaking out or worshipping the devil or anything." I totally agree. Censorship is stupid and words and images aren't really going to hurt anybody. I didn't really know beforehand that the band was politically motivated or anything, but it just makes me respect them more. Anyway, it was a really enjoyable concert.

As you know, this past week I went to Houston, TX for NASA training. It was a lot of fun. I really liked Houston. There were a lot more trees than I expected, and the city (at least the parts I visited) was very clean and open. It seemed like a place I could see myself living. The training itself was fun too. We got to go in a pressure chamber and use these big aviator's oxygen masks and stuff. As my former boss put it, "pretend to be an astronaut". It was nice to get away from work for a couple days and do something different. I had a really good time.

By the way, I'm now on the beta test of GMail from Google. A.I.M. me @ rkikdnec to get the new email address. I would post it here, but that's just an invitation for spam. You may have heard about GMail (1 gigabyte of storage etc...)
and be interested to see how it actually works out. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Interviewer to The Beatles (upon arriving in America): "When are you going to cut your hair?"
Beatle (not sure which one): "I just got it cut (laugh)"

"Everyone's gotta be something, me I'm garbage. It's all I ever wanted to be. Shock me again and I'll say anything you want me to." -Matthew Good Band, Rico

It is so nice out today. This past weekend has been great as far as the weather was concerned, actually. I leave for Houston on Tuesday, which I'm really excited about. Also, tomorrow night I'm going to an Indians game with some other NASA co-ops which should be fun. Then on Friday is the (hopefully good) A Perfect Circle concert which I've been looking forward to. Eve6 was a bit of a disappointment, but not really. It was about what I expected, and I expected it to be mediocre. So that's the events of my life, both past and upcoming, in a nutshell. Now on to the usual....

I realized a couple of things last night. One is that there comes a time, from time to time, when you just need to surrender to the painfully obvious. It's a bit depressing, but more than anything else it usually just pisses me off. Then you move on and hopefully learn something. I've learned. It's like I was talking about in the previous post...you learn and you change, and I have changed. Another thing is that, like I was discussing with Chung, I crave novelty. Instead of calling it ADD, I'd rather think that it is the normal state of an active and brilliant mind, always seeking the next excitation. I never read a book twice, and I rarely watch movies more than once. The thing for me is, once I see something I find it boring to go through it again, because I already know what's going to happen. I like the idea of starting over. All through high school, I couldn't wait for college and the chance to start over with a new group of people and reinvent myself. That lasted about 2 weeks once I got to Case. Now I'm looking at graduate school with the same anticipation; the chance to start over in a new place. I'm not even sure if grad school is right for me, but it does have a certain appeal. The final thing is, I realized that, at least in my mind, I tend to come off as creepy or at least snobbish. I don't really know why, and I don't even know if other people see me in that way, but it bothers me. I really don't think I am, at least once you get to know me. It's those first impressions though that kill you.

I doubt anyone knows what I'm talking about. It was just one of those little moments that get under your skin and bug you. I'm not going to let it anymore though. Like I said, you have to move on. Also, I'm not going to let Sparky bring me down at work anymore. I do enjoy my job (mostly), and I'm just going to start ignoring his nay-saying. Things are good, but they're just not what I thought they were. Oh well.

I cut myself today. I was being stupid and running with scissors. OK, I wasn't running, but it was with scissors, and it wasn't on purpose. You know, when I was in like 5th grade or something I was into the video game Mortal Kombat. I made up my own franchise which I called "Skool Kombat" in which the fighters were school supplies like scissors and glue sticks and the like. I drew up little cartoons of the characters and arenas and stuff. It kept me occupied for a couple weeks. Nothing ever came of it. I was always doing stuff like that. Seeing something I thought was cool and trying to emulate it in my own way. I would sketch and write out all kinds of stuff. I've still got a lot of it up in my closet at home. I was so creative. Now I'm just not feeling that creative urge. Call it writer's block if you will, but I think it's a bit different from that. I'm more grounded in reality or something. I used to make up alternate stories in my head to escape the real world and school that I hated. Now, sadly, I just accept that life sucks and try to ignore it. You know, kids have a lot of good ideas. They have such free minds and they haven't been corrupted by MTV and pop culture into the lowest common denominator McThinking. I really don't like McDonald's too much. I like the chicken McNuggets and the Shamrock shakes, but that's about it. Actually, I liked the old crappy meat McNuggets better than the new white meat McNuggets. Not only that, but Shamrock shakes are only available in March, and not even the entire month. It's sad. Is there any other place out there you can get a mint milkshake? I really want to know. I want to know a lot of things. It seems that I always come up with questions. It's easier to question things than to find the answers. The problem is that a lot of the time there are no easy answers. I really torment myself sometimes with questions. Some of the worst ones are "what if's and what could have been's". For a long time there was this one regret that I remember. When I was really little, maybe like in first grade or something, I was in the toy store and I had a choice between a hot wheels size semi truck with a boat on the trailer or a larger backhoe. I chose the backhoe because it was bigger, but then later on I regretted not getting the semi with the boat. I don't really know why, but I did. It's strange that out of all the possible memories, that one would stick with me all these years. Isn't that the way it works though? You always remember the strangest little tidbits. I think that when this toy incident happened I was on vacation. The only time I ever had alphabits cereal was when I was on vacation this one time. I remember eating them in a hotel room. Then there was this little plastic pinball game thing that we got for free at the hotel. It probably wasn't the same hotel. I've been quite a few places with my family. When I go to Texas next week, that will be the 30th state that I'll have been to. It's been fun. I've always been jealous of my brother. When we were little, his birthday was one of the worst days of the year for me. I would always get so upset that he would get presents and I wouldn't get anything. I think a couple years my parents even got me a small gift on his birthday to try and keep me from getting so pissed off. My brother is an interesting character. I'm proud of him and all, but I'm also jealous. It seems that he's just more well rounded and generally happier than I am. I don't understand it. I would say that in my life so far, I've tried to do my best at everything. Still, what happens when your best isn't good enough? I've changed though, I think, after coming to college. It would be interesting to go back to high school. I don't think I would be as uptight as I was. Or at least I hope not. "I know now what I knew then, but I didn't know then what I know now". I think it's a pretty common thing to wish you could re-live a part of your life, isn't it? For all I think I've changed though, how much have I really? I mean I'm still sitting here in front of my computer, essentially talking to myself. It just seems so daunting to try and "crack in" to the social scene in Mentor. I don't feel as comfortable here as I do in Batavia. I definitely noticed that when I was home this weekend. For all I despise my brother sometimes, I really do enjoy having him around. It was fun to just go out driving with him. That's quality time. My dad and I have a pretty good relationship. My mom; not so much. I got to see my dad's new gun when I was home. It's kind of strange to think of him as a gun-toting Lutheran pastor. I've always been closer with my dad than with my mom. I love my mother, but I just can't relate to her in the same ways. Still though, I think Tony and his dad take the cake for closest father-son relationship. How can I beat going to bars and strip clubs with your dad? I just could never imagine doing that with my dad. I did enjoy playing croquet and doing stuff with him this past weekend though. I don't know. I feel bad for him sometimes. It seems that he takes a lot of crap with his job and it's not that rewarding a lot of the time. At least, I don't see how I could put up with it. Then again, I really don't see myself putting up with a lot of things. Ideally I would like everything to be easy. Wouldn't everyone? Yet on resumes and in interviews everyone says the same "I enjoy a challenge" line. Yes, that even includes me. Do I really? Only if it's a problem that can be completely solved without too much of a headache. That's not the kind of challenges I've been faced with at work. It seems that for every problem we solve, another two appear. Friday we finally get to drop our rig. I'm looking forward to that, but secretly I fear that it will be somewhat of a letdown. I was talking with Sparky, my fellow co-op, today on how our job has been somewhat depressing. I came up with the theory that I'm lacking motivation. I mean, there's no grades, no promotions or raises for a job well done. About the best thing that could come out of this co-op is a good recommendation from my boss. So it's highly unlikely that I could get fired, and equally unlikely that I would get a promotion. What motivation does that produce? I go in, I do a minimal amount of work, but I have no vested interest in it. I feel like what I do doesn't matter, that I'm not really working towards anything of value. It's rather unsatisfying. So like I said, here I am, talking to myself. Not taking action, but taking the lazy route as always. I think that I'm inherently a lazy person. Motivation is a tricky subject. I think I'm going to leave it at that for now. Before I go, however, I want to give you this to ponder: "Good News For People Who Love Bad News". Think about that for a minute. If someone loves bad news, then it would be a good thing for them to hear bad news. However, them hearing this becomes an event of good news, because it is something that makes them happy. Therefore, they are then again made unhappy because of the good news. Is it ever possible for these people to be happy? I just don't know. It isn't something that makes sense, and I don't think it's supposed to.

OK, so I've been in one of those moods again. All my so called friends hate me. What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I have better relationships with people? I've been feeling that I'm disconnected from everyone, and that to them, I'm just a bystander. I don't feel like anyone cares about me. I'm just there, like a piece of furniture. It's not satisfying at all. I don't really blame other people anymore. I think that I'm the problem. They always say that you have to be a friend to make a friend or whatever. The truth is, I'm just not a friendly person. My co-worker recently confided that the first week he met me that I seemed very intimidating. The problem is I don't know how I come off to other people, or really what kind of person I really am. I guess I don't see myself as a very good person, which of course leads to low self-confidence and a characteristic shyness. It's a terrible cycle. So you see, I've gone from a suspicion that my friends don't like me anymore, or at least not as much as I think they should, to berating myself. This is how my mind works. Is any of it true? Well, there's probably some element of truth to everything, but that's another point. End result: I feel miserable again. Whose fault is it? probably my own. I wish I could do something right.

The past few weeks I've been watching the new seasons of Deadwood and The Sopranos on HBO. Both are awesome shows, and I recommend you check them out if you have the means (HBO/BitTorrent). I've watched The Sopranos for awhile, and I guess that it's better when you know the backstory and what's going on with the show. So for me, the new season has been good. As always, it's a very powerful, hard-hitting show. Deadwood, on the other hand, I almost like better. I've watched the first 3 episodes and I'm completely hooked already. HBO really knows how to make good TV shows. They pack so much into each episode. To make it even better there's no censorship and no commercials. That's the way television should be in my opinion. On the music front, I've been addicted to the new Modest Mouse album since I got it on Saturday. Definitely go check out "Good News For People Who Like Bad News".

So like I said, HBO is the way television should be. This whole "indecency" thing with the FCC and all is ridiculous. The point is, if you don't like the content you have the choice to turn it off. There's nothing wrong with a little free speech! Remember the First amendment, people? Parents should control their kids. Period. As for adults, stop being afraid of words and images. That's all I really have to say on the matter.