Blog of R'kik D'nec

I cut myself today. I was being stupid and running with scissors. OK, I wasn't running, but it was with scissors, and it wasn't on purpose. You know, when I was in like 5th grade or something I was into the video game Mortal Kombat. I made up my own franchise which I called "Skool Kombat" in which the fighters were school supplies like scissors and glue sticks and the like. I drew up little cartoons of the characters and arenas and stuff. It kept me occupied for a couple weeks. Nothing ever came of it. I was always doing stuff like that. Seeing something I thought was cool and trying to emulate it in my own way. I would sketch and write out all kinds of stuff. I've still got a lot of it up in my closet at home. I was so creative. Now I'm just not feeling that creative urge. Call it writer's block if you will, but I think it's a bit different from that. I'm more grounded in reality or something. I used to make up alternate stories in my head to escape the real world and school that I hated. Now, sadly, I just accept that life sucks and try to ignore it. You know, kids have a lot of good ideas. They have such free minds and they haven't been corrupted by MTV and pop culture into the lowest common denominator McThinking. I really don't like McDonald's too much. I like the chicken McNuggets and the Shamrock shakes, but that's about it. Actually, I liked the old crappy meat McNuggets better than the new white meat McNuggets. Not only that, but Shamrock shakes are only available in March, and not even the entire month. It's sad. Is there any other place out there you can get a mint milkshake? I really want to know. I want to know a lot of things. It seems that I always come up with questions. It's easier to question things than to find the answers. The problem is that a lot of the time there are no easy answers. I really torment myself sometimes with questions. Some of the worst ones are "what if's and what could have been's". For a long time there was this one regret that I remember. When I was really little, maybe like in first grade or something, I was in the toy store and I had a choice between a hot wheels size semi truck with a boat on the trailer or a larger backhoe. I chose the backhoe because it was bigger, but then later on I regretted not getting the semi with the boat. I don't really know why, but I did. It's strange that out of all the possible memories, that one would stick with me all these years. Isn't that the way it works though? You always remember the strangest little tidbits. I think that when this toy incident happened I was on vacation. The only time I ever had alphabits cereal was when I was on vacation this one time. I remember eating them in a hotel room. Then there was this little plastic pinball game thing that we got for free at the hotel. It probably wasn't the same hotel. I've been quite a few places with my family. When I go to Texas next week, that will be the 30th state that I'll have been to. It's been fun. I've always been jealous of my brother. When we were little, his birthday was one of the worst days of the year for me. I would always get so upset that he would get presents and I wouldn't get anything. I think a couple years my parents even got me a small gift on his birthday to try and keep me from getting so pissed off. My brother is an interesting character. I'm proud of him and all, but I'm also jealous. It seems that he's just more well rounded and generally happier than I am. I don't understand it. I would say that in my life so far, I've tried to do my best at everything. Still, what happens when your best isn't good enough? I've changed though, I think, after coming to college. It would be interesting to go back to high school. I don't think I would be as uptight as I was. Or at least I hope not. "I know now what I knew then, but I didn't know then what I know now". I think it's a pretty common thing to wish you could re-live a part of your life, isn't it? For all I think I've changed though, how much have I really? I mean I'm still sitting here in front of my computer, essentially talking to myself. It just seems so daunting to try and "crack in" to the social scene in Mentor. I don't feel as comfortable here as I do in Batavia. I definitely noticed that when I was home this weekend. For all I despise my brother sometimes, I really do enjoy having him around. It was fun to just go out driving with him. That's quality time. My dad and I have a pretty good relationship. My mom; not so much. I got to see my dad's new gun when I was home. It's kind of strange to think of him as a gun-toting Lutheran pastor. I've always been closer with my dad than with my mom. I love my mother, but I just can't relate to her in the same ways. Still though, I think Tony and his dad take the cake for closest father-son relationship. How can I beat going to bars and strip clubs with your dad? I just could never imagine doing that with my dad. I did enjoy playing croquet and doing stuff with him this past weekend though. I don't know. I feel bad for him sometimes. It seems that he takes a lot of crap with his job and it's not that rewarding a lot of the time. At least, I don't see how I could put up with it. Then again, I really don't see myself putting up with a lot of things. Ideally I would like everything to be easy. Wouldn't everyone? Yet on resumes and in interviews everyone says the same "I enjoy a challenge" line. Yes, that even includes me. Do I really? Only if it's a problem that can be completely solved without too much of a headache. That's not the kind of challenges I've been faced with at work. It seems that for every problem we solve, another two appear. Friday we finally get to drop our rig. I'm looking forward to that, but secretly I fear that it will be somewhat of a letdown. I was talking with Sparky, my fellow co-op, today on how our job has been somewhat depressing. I came up with the theory that I'm lacking motivation. I mean, there's no grades, no promotions or raises for a job well done. About the best thing that could come out of this co-op is a good recommendation from my boss. So it's highly unlikely that I could get fired, and equally unlikely that I would get a promotion. What motivation does that produce? I go in, I do a minimal amount of work, but I have no vested interest in it. I feel like what I do doesn't matter, that I'm not really working towards anything of value. It's rather unsatisfying. So like I said, here I am, talking to myself. Not taking action, but taking the lazy route as always. I think that I'm inherently a lazy person. Motivation is a tricky subject. I think I'm going to leave it at that for now. Before I go, however, I want to give you this to ponder: "Good News For People Who Love Bad News". Think about that for a minute. If someone loves bad news, then it would be a good thing for them to hear bad news. However, them hearing this becomes an event of good news, because it is something that makes them happy. Therefore, they are then again made unhappy because of the good news. Is it ever possible for these people to be happy? I just don't know. It isn't something that makes sense, and I don't think it's supposed to.