Blog of R'kik D'nec

Let's start with the positive. I was walking in Baker today and some random and attractive girl complimented me on my hat. That kind of thing never happens to me, and it made my day, at least for a couple minutes. See, now we get to the not so positive stuff. You see, all my life I've been smart. That's pretty much all I've been. I was never popular, or athletic, or funny (except to myself), but I was smart. I didn't really want to be stereotyped as a nerd or geek or whatever, so I avoided socializing with those people all though school. Now, it really doesn't matter as much to me, and I think in college those "groups" are less important. What does matter to me though, is my self label and my self worth. This semester has been rough for me as far as classes go. On my last two tests I got a 56 and a 32. Granted, the class averages were 49 and 31, respectively, but still, thats pretty bad. I have never done that poorly on tests in my life. Now, I'm not saying that I'm stupid, I mean, I'll do "fine" in all my classes in the end, but "fine" isn't what I'm used to. I'm used to near perfection. What it really comes down to is the erosion of view of myself as a "smart" person. Without that, what's left? I guess this is sort of why I've been feeling bad about myself in general lately. There are times when I look at myself and see no redeeming qualities. Of course getting rejected by GE didn't help anything either. I don't really know what to think. In addition to slipping grades, there has been a lowering of motivation this semester as well. Doing homework and assignments has been harder than ever. In the past, it was that I didn't want to do work because I hated it, but because I had other things I'd rather be doing. Now it seems that I dread doing my work because I don't understand it and even completing it doesn't bring me much joy. Besides making me miserable by it's own right, this also has led me to question wheather or not I should be pursuing this as my career. I guess better late than never, but still..... So yeah, all of this has been on my mind lately, and I guess that's why I've been kinda "out of sorts" as my Mom would say. So I just don't know what to think of myself anymore. I know there must be something about me that's worthwhile, but for whatever reason I can't see it right now.

It's been a short week and a long one at the same time. I only had three days of class, but they were after a vacation and jam packed full of work, so it seemed to take forever to get to the weekend. It has been a pretty good weekend though. Working for homecoming this morning wasn't as bad as I had expected. Well, now that I've given you a brief overview of the past week, it's time to talk about something (hopefully) interesting. I watched American History X tonight. It's a very powerful film, and I highly recommend seeing it if you haven't already, and seeing it again if you have. Anyway, it made me think about some things that I haven't really thought about in awhile. I would really like to think that I'm not a racist and that I see everybody as equal, but I honestly can't say that this is the case. I really haven't spent too much time around people who are "minorities", and I'm sure that if I did, and if I actually took the time to get to know people as individuals I wouldn't have any problems with their race. I know this is the case from relationships I've had in the past, and currently have. The fact is though, when I'm around groups of black people or "gangs" of Asians, I just feel uncomfortable. Both of the neighborhoods I grew up in were almost exclusively white and middle class. I just never have had much experience with different cultures. I know that I shouldn't judge people before I even get to know them, but it's something that just comes naturally. I really feel bad about this, but even so, I don't really feel motivated to go out and change. It's sort of strange. I guess I'm just going to have to try and give people a chance on a one by one basis. There are a few things though, that still bother me. I am definitely against affirmative action and other programs that are designed to try and give minorities an undeserved advantage. Reverse discrimination is not the answer. There's one point in the movie where Derek says something to the effect of "white immigrants came to America and flourished within a generation. What is the problem with everyone else?". This reminds me of a part of the movie 25th hour, in the "mirror monologue" where the main character, who, coincidentally, is also played by Edward Norton, talks about the Korean grocers who have "been in this country for ten years and still no speaky English". These examples bring up some good questions which deserve answers. One interesting point was made by Bindu when we were discussing the movie. She was commenting on how Indians who immigrated here from a middle class lifestyle expected the same or better position. The thing is though, with people who grow up in the ghetto, or who come over from Mexico or some other third world country, they are coming from very poor and humble beginnings and improving on that still doesn't bring them very far. It's as if they can't dream bigger and get stuck in a rut at the bottom of the social ladder. It's unfortunate, and I really don't know what can be done about it. But then again, should I really even be caring? Like I said, it's not something I think about too often. I think a lot of it comes down to me being selfish, which is a whole 'nother problem that I need to work on. On a lighter and more personal note, I'm now going to talk about my perceptions of people in general. Whenever I'm in public, I tend to be paranoid about what other people think of me. I always think that everyone is judging me based on every little thing I do, and sometimes it drives me crazy. Why should I have this self centered idea that everyone is paying attention to me? I guess that it comes from how I think of other people I meet. Generally, when I'm with a group of people I don't know too well, I tend to judge them rather harshly. I've always used a sort of "guilty until proven innocent" technique to getting to know people. I would say that I really don't like strangers and I assume that they don't like me until they prove otherwise. This is just the way I've always been. I guess deep down, I think that it'll keep me from getting hurt as much. Unfortunately, it gets in the way a lot of the time, and I think that I turn people off by not being friendly. I realize that this is also something that I really need to work on. I don't like to think of myself as a bad person, but when I really do think about it, I don't like what I come up with most of the time.

I was going to write today, but then again, I was going to do a lot of things today.....

COMMENT!!!

Well, the long awaited trip home has finally come, and mostly gone. Right now, everybody in the house is asleep except for myself. I'm sitting in the TV room with the lights out listening to the iPod and writing this. A lot of times, things just don't live up to your expectations, and I guess this is one example of that. I didn't really have any specific plans for this trip home, I just was hoping that it would be fun and relaxing. It's hard to explain, but things just seem different. I love my family and being with them, but for some reason there seems to be tension. It feels like somehow I'm separate. So at least its been good seeing all of my friends and stuff right? Well, not really, and maybe that's the problem. I really haven't gotten out of the house much. It's pretty much been sleep and TV, which is all well and good, but not really all that exciting. On top of all that, the weather has been sucky and rainy pretty much the whole weekend. You see, I really don't have too many friends to visit in Batavia. I guess you can say I "burn my bridges". In high school I was so unpopular that I had virtually no friends. Those few I did have I really haven't kept up with, and I just don't feel comfortable pretending I haven't ignored them for two and a half years. The friends I've made since graduation, over the summers, have really been just that, summer freinds, and I never really did anything with them since. So, like I said, here I am sitting at home alone. So yeah, being home has been strange. I keep thinking about having to go back to school and do work to catch up, and that's really not helping. This last week pretty much sucked. My interview didn't go well enough, the midterm I had didn't go well. In fact, I would say that it was one of the worst tests I've taken in a long time. Then today I got an email basically saying I was rejected from GE. Now the one co-op lead I had has been extinguished, and I haven't gotten any more offers yet. I'm a bit worried about that. I was really looking forward to taking next semester off, and as of right now, it looks like that won't be happening. Hopefully I'll get some other offers soon. It's just awkward. Things aren't going smoothly at home, things are even worse at school at the moment, and I'm stuck wondering: Where is my place? That's a big question. It's definately something I've been thinking about a lot lately, meaning the last six monts or so. Where do I belong? What should I be doing? What is going to make me happy? I just don't know. These are questions that everybody faces at some point, and the lucky ones are those that easily find the answers. I hope you find your answers.

I just got back from my interview with GE Aircraft Engines, and by just got back I mean about an hour ago. Right now I'm listening to Sigur Ros and "burning incense". Not that I'm really burning Nag Champa, because that would be a violation of a stupid University housing policy. Kinda like when I had to pay $350 for a window that I broke completely by accident, speaking of stupid University housing policies. So I'm ditching the non-mandatory, but highly recommended Tau Beta Pi meeting tonight just because I'm not in the mood for it and I want to go to dinner with my suitemates. Let's work backwards, shall we?
The Interview: Yikes. I don't know how much I can say about it, other than it's over with. If I get called back or whatever, I'll definitely be surprised. I don't really know. There were good moments and there were bad moments in the interview. I'm just guessing that it wasn't good enough. Bit of a disappointment there.
Buy.com: Retards. I cancelled my order over a month ago because it was on backorder and I decided I wanted an iPod anyway. Guess what? My order wasn't cancelled and was shipped today. I go to return it and they tell me I have to pay for return shipping. Anyway, I sent an angry email to them (no phone number on their website - those bastards!) telling them that I want them to pay for return shipping. Hopefully they'll fix it. Lesson learned: Buy.com sucks and you should never buy anything from them.
Stephen Hawking: Interesting. Not as good as I thought it would be, but hey, it was free. I don't really understand higher Physics, and I'm OK with that. Much respect for the man though.
Church on Sunday: Not just a Green Day song. So I went for the first time since August. What can I say? It was long and boring. I've gone to church all my life. It's definitely because of my parents. Now that I have the option, I really prefer to sleep. As Zach de la Rocha once said: "Fear is your only god." Is sleep my god? I don't think so. I definately think that I have a firm theological footing. Unfortunately, that includes going to church. I don't know how I feel about that anymore. I didn't enjoy my Sunday morning, and I really don't think that the service benefitted me spiritually. So will I go in the future? I really can't answer that right now. I guess it will depend on finding the "right" church and really, where I'm at with my relationship with God.
So now I have work to do for tomorrow and for the rest of the week so that I can leave on Thursday. I don't want to do it. What else is new? Right now, after the interview and everything else that's been going on the past few days, I really don't feel like doing much of anything. The fact that its rainy and dreary outside doesn't help anything. Its times like these that I just feel really bad about myself.

I can't think of anything clever to write, so I'm just gonna say "Screw it, let's watch Futurama!"

(first of all....side note....notice how whenever I use an ellipsis I use 4 or 5 dots, and never six. Interesting story behind that, but I won't go into it now) So at first I was going to write about what I did tonight and whatnot, but then I decided that it's not really that interesting. I know that it would be perfectly acceptable and perhaps expected that I would bore you, the reader, in this forum, but that's just not what I feel like doing right now. So instead I'm going to mention a couple things coming up in my life and then hopefully go a bit deeper philosophically. The coming week is going to be pretty busy for me. I've got a lot of work to do before this coming Thursday....but.....this Thursday I get to go home for a nice little 5 day weekend I like to call Fall Break. I've been ooking forward to going home for awhile, and it should be nice since I haven't been there since August. Monday I get to go see Stephen Hawking give a lecture (free ticket from work....heck yeah!), so that should be pretty interesting. Then Tuesday I have an interview with GE Aircraft Engines. I'm hoping to do a co-op next spring and summer, so this is the first step, and my first real interview period. I'm a bit nervous, but I hope all goes well. I've been getting a bit tired and frustrated with school lately, so I think going on co-op would be a welcome change of pace. Anyway, like I said....busy week, blah blah, go home Thursday! So I guess that brings me back to where I started, or rather didn't start. Why didn't I write about my day and my Friday night? Quite frankly, what does it matter? Do you really want to know what I did? Honestly, I don't really want to know what I did, and I was the one living through it. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but you catch my drift, right? Right. I've made the brilliant observation that there are a lot of people in the world, and I'm only one of them. It really makes you (me) feel insignificant. I guess really, this whole blog thing.....my sacred little piece of the internet devoted entirely to what I'm thinking.....is sort of hypocritical in that sense. Who am I to tell all of you about my life? Why does what I have to say matter? Really, if I had great and profound things to say, then I would be saying them in a much grander forum than this. So yeah.....hopefully I'll be able to express some deeper and more thought provoking revelations than, "oh yeah, this is what I had for lunch today (grilled cheese, sour cream and onion chips and Mountain Dew if you must know)" or whatever. Hopefully I'll cause you to think about some things in a different way, but if not, then oh well. I can always fall back on what everyone is best at: talking about themselves.....

Well, I'm Phil, aka rkikdnec, and I'm a 19 year old college student in Cleveland, OH. I go to Case Western Reserve Universtiy, but I call Batavia, NY home. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to start up a blog, but I guess we'll see how it goes for awhile. Hopefully I'll have something actually intersting to say tomorrow or something.....