Blog of R'kik D'nec

Let's start with the positive. I was walking in Baker today and some random and attractive girl complimented me on my hat. That kind of thing never happens to me, and it made my day, at least for a couple minutes. See, now we get to the not so positive stuff. You see, all my life I've been smart. That's pretty much all I've been. I was never popular, or athletic, or funny (except to myself), but I was smart. I didn't really want to be stereotyped as a nerd or geek or whatever, so I avoided socializing with those people all though school. Now, it really doesn't matter as much to me, and I think in college those "groups" are less important. What does matter to me though, is my self label and my self worth. This semester has been rough for me as far as classes go. On my last two tests I got a 56 and a 32. Granted, the class averages were 49 and 31, respectively, but still, thats pretty bad. I have never done that poorly on tests in my life. Now, I'm not saying that I'm stupid, I mean, I'll do "fine" in all my classes in the end, but "fine" isn't what I'm used to. I'm used to near perfection. What it really comes down to is the erosion of view of myself as a "smart" person. Without that, what's left? I guess this is sort of why I've been feeling bad about myself in general lately. There are times when I look at myself and see no redeeming qualities. Of course getting rejected by GE didn't help anything either. I don't really know what to think. In addition to slipping grades, there has been a lowering of motivation this semester as well. Doing homework and assignments has been harder than ever. In the past, it was that I didn't want to do work because I hated it, but because I had other things I'd rather be doing. Now it seems that I dread doing my work because I don't understand it and even completing it doesn't bring me much joy. Besides making me miserable by it's own right, this also has led me to question wheather or not I should be pursuing this as my career. I guess better late than never, but still..... So yeah, all of this has been on my mind lately, and I guess that's why I've been kinda "out of sorts" as my Mom would say. So I just don't know what to think of myself anymore. I know there must be something about me that's worthwhile, but for whatever reason I can't see it right now.