Blog of R'kik D'nec

What can I say? It sucks because I can't express myself. I can't write anything.
I can't do anything right.

Current Mood: N/A
Currently listening to: The Pistol by Sounds Like Violence
Last movie I saw: Good Will Hunting
One line review: As much as I dislike Ben Afflek/Matt Damon, I gotta say that I liked the film.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 1.5 sucks

OK, so first of all, how was my last post depressing? I mean, yeah, I didn't have the greatest day, but I explicitly said "Normally, it gets pretty depressing, but that really hasn't been the case today." Also, melancholy doesn't necessarialy mean depressed. It can refer to pensive thought. Seriously, look it up. Right. So, anyway, I caught myself having fun today. It was disorienting and amusing at the same time. I was at the "Silver Spartan" and in a moment of pause, I just realized that I was enjoying myself for no particluar reason. I was just having fun hanging out with people. It wasn't really a new experience, but it is an uncommon one, and this was one of the first times that I realized what was happening as it was happening. Like I said, it just kind of amused me. That's basically all I've got for now. So remember kids, when in doubt, use a dictionary! (see, that's one of those going back to something mentioned earlier things that I wrote about last time ;-)

Current Mood: Satisfied
Currently listening to: Magical Mystery Tour by The Beatles
Last movie I saw: (still) From Russia With Love (James Bond)
One line review: (still) Not one of the outstanding Bond flicks, but still enjoyable
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): (still) 2 sucks

It was a bit of a rough day. For one thing, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas was sold out. For another my Flight and Orbital teacher felt the need to get me in front of the class and humiliate me. Finally, my senior project prop prototype got screwed up in the computer controlled mill (nobody's fault but the computer's). Anyway, it turns out the high point of my day was in English class. My website design got props from like 4 or 5 people in the class and I got an A on my project that I got back. I seriously must be in the wrong major. In other news, the election draws ever nearer and I still don't care. Besides, I voted last week and my vote doesn't count. Also, the Red Sox are one game away from "breaking the curse" if you care about that sort of thing. So basically, without San Andreas, I had a whole lot of time today to do nothing. What do I do when I do nothing, you ask? Well, I tend to think about a lot of things. Normally, it gets pretty depressing, but that really hasn't been the case today. I'm really trying to be optimistic and take things as they come. I know that what I need will be provided when I need it, and everything has some purpose. So, anyway, I've obviously been thinking a lot about the one thing. But I've also been thinking about other equally weighty issues. Let's take a look at one of the lighter ones, shall we? I think, (and Jon confirms), that a lot of the time, people just don't "get" me. A big part of the problem is that my humor is too dry and my sarcasm is too disguised, which is fair. Another problem is that I usually try and bring the conversation, or a joke, back around to a previous topic. I'm not sure where I picked that up, but it seems that a lot of people have too short of an attention span and just end up getting lost. Darn television giving people ADD. The point, though, is that it seems to some people that I come off as strange, or people get the wrong impression. It's kind of annoying really. I think that I can relate better to people who have a similar knowledge base and frame of reference to me. Even then, though, I don't always make sense. Just ask my brother. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't take me too seriously most of the time. You really have to pay attention and look for subtle clues to see when I'm serious. I like to play around with good and bad, and blur the line between proper and improper. You have to take into account the tone and context and facial expressions and see if something really makes sense or not. If I'm being serious I'll try to make it as clear and honest as possible. So hopefully that helps, and hopefully if you get to know me better, you'll be able to figure more out yourself.

Current Mood: Melancholy
Currently listening to: With The Beatles by The Beatles
Last movie I saw: From Russia With Love (James Bond)
One line review: Not one of the outstanding Bond flicks, but still enjoyable
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2 sucks

What is a paradigm anyway? Or shall I say pair-a-dig-um.... Anyway. Fall break, I think, is a time of realignment and reassessment. It seems like when I come back I start looking at everything from a different perspective. This week is pretty crazy. I think part of the problem is that I didn't get as much down time as I would have liked over break because of my report I had to do, but it still seems like I'm drowning in everything and I never really even had a break. Well, I suppose that's a bit of an overstatement. I haven't done anything the past two nights. I'm trying to make up for the fact that I did stuff over break. Really, though, in my head it seems like I'm staring straight at the end of the semester and I have so much to get done. Oh well. I'm not that worried about it. What does it matter in the long run anyway? OK, so I started writing this over an hour ago. I am so scatterbrained tonight. It's a good thing though. Anyway, this is part of what I'm talking about. Having the two days off just throws the whole week out of whack. Maybe for thanksgiving I should take off the whole week. I did that 2 years ago, and it was good. I'm not sure if I can afford it though. So being at home was a bit awkward. It was strange not having my brother around, and just being there with my parents. Sometimes it feels like I don't know how to relate to them anymore. Oh well, I guess things change. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I actually have some tentative plans, and hopefully they'll be fun. I still just can't get over how messed up this week has been. Academically, socially, everything has just had this strange aura about it that I can't describe. Hopefully I'll get settled back into things soon enough.

Current Mood: Carefree
Currently listening to: Angel Youth by Last Days of April and Showbiz by Muse
Last movie I saw: (still) Quiz Show
One line review: (still) Amusing with a good message and a good ending
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): (still) 2 sucks

You see Snoop Dogg doing an ad for Burger King, trying to get people to vote. "Have it your way '04"??? Come on.....

Not to mention, now you can get a half gallon of Pepsi with your meal at KFC. Yikes.

Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: Give Up by The Postal Service
Last movie I saw: Quiz Show
One line review: Amusing with a good message and a good ending
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2 sucks

The past few months, I've been thinking how I kind of regret coming to Case. I haven't been that happy with my major and I wish I could do something else, but I feel like I'm in too deep academically and financially to change anything. Also, there are things about the environment here that I'm not too fond of. I think it's definitely something that is typical of Case students, and maybe even college students in general. As you get older and have been around someplace for awhile, you tend to get a certain bitterness towards it. When I was a freshman, I met a senior who asked me how I liked Case. I was still excited about college and being away from home and everything, so I said I really liked it. He was surprised to hear that, and warned me that the bitterness would come. I didn't really think too much of it at the time, but he was right. What I really wanted to talk about tonight, though, was a new way of thinking about it. I realized tonight that no matter how I may feel about Case and my current situation, I'm here for a reason. I might not know what that reason is, but it's God's plan that I be here now. So even if things don't always seem to be the best, they're still helping shape me in some way or another. There's a comfort in that. It's hard to describe, but it's like a sudden reversal of thinking. You go from regretting your situation to thinking, this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not, and how can I make the most out of it? It's hard to say how long this revelation will last, but it's encouraging to think that even if I'm not getting all I want out of college, there is still a reason to be here. So what is that reason, and how do I start taking advantage of the circumstances I'm in?

Current Mood: Strangely happy
Currently listening to: The Bends and OK Computer by Radiohead
Last movie I saw: The Cider House Rules
One line review: Fairly predictable, fairly boring, decent acting
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2 sucks

I made a propeller in Pro/E today. It actually turned out really well and looks really cool. I've been enjoying my senior project, but it just seems to be moving really slowly. Do you know how, when there's something that you're really looking forward to, and it finally happens, it's kind of a let down after it's all over? One could say that this is what's happened to the mood of the whole campus after the debate. Or not. I guess that's a bad example, but I'm sure some people are feeling it. A better example might be a concert, or a vacation. Anyway, my point is that the waiting and the anticipation is the exciting part. The actual event itself can be exciting as well, but it's the aftermath that gets depressing. Coming to college was another thing that I had really looked forward to. It was a lot of fun, and very exciting those first few months, but then the novelty tapered off and turned into disillusionment. I'm not saying that I hate college, but just that things never seem to turn out as well as you had hoped. Now I'm facing a similar situation with graduation. Finally, the chance to be done with my education and get into the "real world" and start fresh. But will it actually be that great? Probably not. I've said before how I really crave novelty. I think that's part of what makes the anticipation exciting for me. I think that it's a common thing that everyone experiences to some degree though. So how can I use this to my advantage? If I'm right about this whole thing, then the next 7 months should be really great. Instead of trying to get through them as fast as possible, I should take time to enjoy the unique situation I'm in, and really try and appreciate the anticipation. I should be celebrating the excitement of the present, instead of longing for it to be over with quickly. So that's all great in theory, but how do I actually do it? I'm totally open to suggestions, but I think I just need to keep reminding myself to live in the present, and not get obsessed with what's coming, or what I want to come. On the other hand, I'm actually telling myself that this is as good as it gets. Beyond May or whenever, I have no hope. Things will just go downhill from there. Obviously that's not true, but I'm just trying to show that things are never as simple as they seem. Besides graduation, I think this theory can apply to other smaller things as well. Enjoy now, and enjoy the wait! By the way, thank you all for the comments. :)

Current Mood: Bored
Currently listening to: Amnesiac by Radiohead
Last movie I saw: Citizen Kane
One line review: Kind of depressing, but thought provoking; very dramatic
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 1 sucks

Homecoming was fun. I guess. You know what they say...strikes and gutters, ups and downs, sometimes you eat the bar, and well, sometimes... Bonus points to those who catch the allusion. In fact I'll give you a rice krispie treat, but you have to comment! You know, I'm an impatient person, and I don't really think that works out for me too well. There are some things that have to be aged properly to be fully appreciated. You just can't rush it if you want it to turn out well. Think of it as a fine wine. Vintage port, perhaps. I liked my last post. It was fun to write it, and I thought I was being insightful and clever. Apparently, though, I'm just full of shit. But enough about me, let's talk about you. And by you, I mean you. Who are you? I need to watch another good movie sometime soon. Lately, I think, I haven't been as concerned with how other people perceive me. I think that's a good thing. For a long, long time I was obsessed with it, and it really held me back from doing a lot of things. I think I'm finally taking some positive steps towards self definition. You know, I make fun, but "some people" had it right all along. You know who you are. I mean, I never really thought I would dance. Although it wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be, I didn't enjoy it enough to pursue on my own accord. There have been other things too. Just ways of looking at people I guess. Then there are those people that really annoy you. I'm trying to be more tolerant of them. I'm rather uncertain about fall break now. I suppose I'm going to Pittsburgh on Sunday and Monday, but I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of the time. Maybe I'll visit Columbus, or home. That's a lot of driving though. I wish I could be more social and talkative. There are so many times when I just don't know what would be appropriate to say, or where I just don't know what to talk about at all. It can be frustrating. Especially when I beat myself up over it. I'm not doing that as much anymore. I try not to go back over and over things in my head. It's hard, though, not to replay scenarios and think of how you could have handled it better. Well, I didn't really have anything to say, and I guess I didn't really say anything, so I'll leave it at that.

Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: Tranceport by Paul Oakenfold
Last movie I saw: (still) Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow
One line review: (still) Very interesting effects-wise, but lacked an engaging story
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): (still) 2.5 sucks

So now that the craziness of the Veep debate is over, I thought I'd put up a few more political type impressions. First though, the title deserves an explanation. As part of the debate chaos, there were at least 10 tour busses lined up outside Veale. They all had the company name and logo on the side, and one of them simply said "It's a bus!". I thought it was really funny because it was so obvious. Honestly I think it's a great name for the company. Anyway, this idea of labeling and obvious conclusions will come into play later. Concerning the debate, let me just say that there are a lot of psychos out there. I just want to reiterate how stupid I think it is for people to wholeheartedly support a candidate or party as if their life depends on it. I just can't fathom how people can be so violently determined that their candidate or party is 100% right and the opposition is 100% evil. I guess this reflects my philosophy on life as well. Life is really a whole lot of gray areas. There is no absolute right or wrong. It actually irritates me when people are very passionate and closed-minded. That's really what I got out of the debate and what went on here on campus, as well as what is going on in this country right now. So, as part of my response to the whole situation, I decided to hang a Bush-Cheney sign upside down on my door, and write above it, "This is not a political statement." Now, really, in a way it is actually a political statement, but I prefer to think of it as art. It causes the viewer to question a lot of things, which I believe is one of the defining qualities of art. For one thing, the sign is upside down. Does this mean I oppose Bush? Do I believe that, as an upside down American flag means that the post or country is under siege, the upside down sign means that Bush has led the country into the jaws of the opposition? Perhaps. But then again, why do I bother to put up a Bush sign? Why don't I just put up a Kerry sign? Is it simply because I don't support Kerry either? Perhaps. You see, the simple fact that I used a Bush sign could show some sort of support for the President. The fact that it's upside down could be a sign of disrespect, or it could be a mere eccentricity. The situation is complicated further by the comment made about the sign. It's advertised that this isn't in fact a political statement. But in the same way that the sign itself is not what it seems, it leads the viewer to question whether or not the comment is what it seems. Could the title be purposely misleading in the same way that the sign could be misleading? Perhaps. The point of the whole thing is that nothing is certain. The title and the sign are both obscured in a gray area. It could be a very purposely made, targeted work of art with a clear meaning, or it could mean nothing at all. Not only the meaning of the sign or the meaning of the comment is ambiguous, but the meaning of the whole thing is unclear. That's what I was trying to get across. That's what I believe is a representation of my political and philosophical views at this point. Isn't it cool? Perhaps.

Current Mood: Resigned
Currently listening to: I Might Be Wrong by Radiohead
Last movie I saw: Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow
One line review: Very interesting effects-wise, but lacked an engaging story
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2.5 sucks