Blog of R'kik D'nec

Almost forgot, but here's another little snippet of poetry for y'all:

You create false expectations
You destroy all my elations
You confirm my dread suspicions
With your evil handshake hugs

I know it doesn't really rhyme and it's really short, but basically I just wanted to throw that last phrase in there because I thought it was clever.

I think that I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I'll never be extraordinary at anything.   Billions of people already know and accept this.  They wander through life fully believing that they will never rise above average.  After coming to this conclusion, they can go on and find meaning and happiness in the bland and everyday trials of life.  That simply never appealed to me.  I always needed to believe that I was special, that there was something unique about me, something that nobody else had to the same degree; that I was extraordinary.  However, the more I do, the more I try, the more I realize just how average I am.  I guess it comes as so much of a disappointment because of the great expectations that I had.  Growing up I was always the brightest kid in school.  Other kids called me a genius, and I believed that I was a superior being, and that I could do anything.  I picked up on things fast, and I knew how to work the academic system, but I was never a genius.  As I've said on these pages before, after coming to college and starting to struggle academically, I've become more discouraged and depressed.  It's no wonder that so many college age kids commit suicide.  The other day Ben told me, "I've heard a lot of people say that.  You're just like everyone else!"  I responded to him, half jokingly, "Thanks, you just ruined my life."  The truth is, it does bother me.  I still don't want to be like everyone else.  The problem is that I can't escape it.  Extraordinary people are either born or made, and I'm neither.  I don't have any great natural talents or abilities, and I'm not the kind of person with the drive to work hard enough to gain those abilities.  I'm just too average and too lazy.  How am I supposed to find meaning and happiness when my hopes and dreams have been shattered?  Where does the hope and the will to go on come from?  There's a Dave Matthews song "If I Had it All", where he sings, "Tell me, what in the world would I go on for, if I had it all?"    I ask, what is there to go on for once you've had it all (at least in your mind) and lost it?  I guess that's the challenge.

So now a little bit about my average life.  All the Doglios are gone for the weekend, which means I've got the house to myself.  It's not as great as it sounds though.  I've been quite bored and lonely.  It makes me wonder how I'll fare when I'm on my own after college.  I recently found out what my problem with reading was.  For the past two years I've been trying to read Hemingway's "For Whom The Bell Tolls" but haven't been able to finish it.  In the past two days I read "Angels and Demons".  The problem is that Hemingway was just a boring writer.  There just isn't enough of a plot to keep you going.  As far as music goes, I've been stuck in kind of a rut lately.  I mean I've been listening to quite a bit of new stuff (Wilco, Spoon, Elbow), but it just isn't captivating me.  As an alternative, I think that I want to start getting into techno.  Tonight when I was cruising around and as I'm writing this I've been listening to Paul Oakenfold, and I've been enjoying it.  Techno isn't really a genre I've explored a lot, and I'd really like to see what other kinds of stuff is out there.

Current Mood:  Discouraged
Currently listening to: Children at Play by The Underdogs/Tranceport by Paul Oakenfold
Last movie I saw: I, Robot
One line review: A good escape from reality ruined by poor explanations of sub-par plot twists.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best):  2.5 sucks

# posted by Phil : 11:11 PM

I really wish I were more creative, or at least that I was better at being creative.  You see, I went into engineering because people told me that it was all about designing stuff.  Little did I know that design was actually about designing stuff, and that engineering was about planning the workings of stuff using mathematics crap.  I'd like to think that I'm an idea oriented person.  That's always what I've seen myself doing; coming up with the ideas for things and having that creative spark.  It's much more interesting and passionate than the cold boredom of "engineering".  I'm still fascinated by how things work, and I could see myself in sort of a research and development role, creating models and testing them out, rather than doing all kinds of calculations to find out if they work.  I don't even know if there are people that do that.  I don't know if there's really my dream job out there.  Alas, I'm stuck with the task of finding it in a mere 10 months.  Less than one month from now I move back to Case.  I'm really not sure if I'm ready to go back to school.  Working has been much more relaxing, and I'm worried about how much I've forgotten and how much I dislike my classes.  Oh well.  Ideally by this time next year I'll be working at a job that I find interesting and making a good amount of money in the process.  I think I've said this before, but the "real world" doesn't really start once you graduate high school.  It starts when you are finally fully independent and taking care of yourself, which is where I hope to be.
 
The last half of this week has been a slippery slope into another bout of depression.  I'm not sure exactly why things haven't been going well, but one of the big things is a lack of meaning.  I've been looking at things as if they are all temporary and unimportant.  It seems like everything in life is useless because you just end up dying anyway.  Life is temporary, so what's the point?  Another problem has been jealousy and longing for things I don't/can't have. 
 
It was an interesting week at work with Ben.  I've come to realize how similar he is to me.  Friday in one of our conversations he was saying a lot of things that I had been thinking about life and stuff.  It makes me feel closer to him, but at the same time makes me hate him.  I think to myself how I don't want to listen to this crap, and then realize that nobody wants to hear it from me either.  I also realized that all my ideas weren't original and that I'm not as special as I thought I was.  I really feel a strong repulsion to him because of this.  I guess that's why they say opposites attract.  Somebody too similar to yourself just makes you see all your flaws and hate yourself even more.
 
So now it's time for another "poetry corner":
 
I run up the stairs, I throw off my shoes
I walk to her door and what do I choose?
Do I dare go in?  Do I dare say hi?
Do I let all my inhibitions fly?
I want her to know, I want her to see
How very much she means to me.
 
Current Mood: Uncertain
Currently listening to: Franz Ferdinand by Franz Ferdinand
Last movie I saw: Me, Myself and Irene
One line review: Not really that funny or entertaining, in fact pretty much a waste of my time.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 4 sucks
 
Second to last movie I saw: Run, Lola, Run 
One line review: Quite interesting and very stylish, definitely worth watching as long as you can get past the subtitles.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 1.5 sucks

First off, Happy Independence Day everyone! Yesterday when I was coming home from work, I heard System of a Down's "Toxicity" on the radio. Let me tell you, that brought back quite a few memories of the past two summers. In particular I had vivid memories of two summers ago, as well as the two past July 4th's. Two years ago was a party at Pam's followed by a party at Corey's followed by a trip to the Top (and Bottom) of the World with George and Yvette, not to mention almost getting my car blown up by Chuck's fireworks. All in all, a busy day and a lot of fun. Last year was hanging out with the family during the day and going over to George's Batavia apartment at night. That turned into quite the drama with George dumping Monique for Amanda and having me kick all the guests out of the apartment. I had quite a lot of fun the past two summers, and thinking about it kind of makes me miss being home in NY this summer. The thing is, though, I probably won't ever be home again, at least not for any extended period of time. It makes me sad and a bit nervous. It means that I basically have to start all over someplace new and find all new friends and everything. That's always been difficult for me. I am looking forward to this coming year at Case, but come next May everything is going to change again. I have no idea where I'm going to end up and what I'm going to be doing. That's pretty intimidating. It's also kind of exciting because I've got a lot of possibilities.

So what are my big plans for this Fourth you ask? Well, sadly, this will not be one of the more joyful ones. A good friend of my family died this past week, and I'll be attending the funeral tomorrow. A member of my church from Ashtabula, Walt McMorris, passed away on Tuesday. He and his wife were always very kind to my family and I, and basically acted as extra grandparents while I was growing up. He was really a great person with a good heart, and he will be missed.

So Friday night when I was over at the Cleveland's, Bill asked me how my love life was going, accused me of being gay, and challenged me to find a date for a pig roast party he's having in a month. .....Guess I need to work on that.....

Wednesday, at least I think it was Wednesday, I was in sort of a creative/poetic mood. Here's one of the things I came up with. I'd love to hear how much you think it sucks, Thanks.

I saw you staring out the window pane
You are my Penny Lane
Whoever thought my heart you'd tame
I've never played that game
But all my efforts are in vain
You don't even know my name

Current Mood: Reminiscent
Currently listening to: On To The Next One by Last Conservative
Last movie I saw: Dodgeball
One line review: Lots of laughs, but very stupid, much in the vein of Zoolander; goofy and enjoyable but un-memorable.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 3 sucks

Second to last movie I saw: Spiderman 2
One line review: Similar to the first movie, but better, it had annoying moments but was decent.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2.5 sucks