Blog of R'kik D'nec

I think that I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I'll never be extraordinary at anything.   Billions of people already know and accept this.  They wander through life fully believing that they will never rise above average.  After coming to this conclusion, they can go on and find meaning and happiness in the bland and everyday trials of life.  That simply never appealed to me.  I always needed to believe that I was special, that there was something unique about me, something that nobody else had to the same degree; that I was extraordinary.  However, the more I do, the more I try, the more I realize just how average I am.  I guess it comes as so much of a disappointment because of the great expectations that I had.  Growing up I was always the brightest kid in school.  Other kids called me a genius, and I believed that I was a superior being, and that I could do anything.  I picked up on things fast, and I knew how to work the academic system, but I was never a genius.  As I've said on these pages before, after coming to college and starting to struggle academically, I've become more discouraged and depressed.  It's no wonder that so many college age kids commit suicide.  The other day Ben told me, "I've heard a lot of people say that.  You're just like everyone else!"  I responded to him, half jokingly, "Thanks, you just ruined my life."  The truth is, it does bother me.  I still don't want to be like everyone else.  The problem is that I can't escape it.  Extraordinary people are either born or made, and I'm neither.  I don't have any great natural talents or abilities, and I'm not the kind of person with the drive to work hard enough to gain those abilities.  I'm just too average and too lazy.  How am I supposed to find meaning and happiness when my hopes and dreams have been shattered?  Where does the hope and the will to go on come from?  There's a Dave Matthews song "If I Had it All", where he sings, "Tell me, what in the world would I go on for, if I had it all?"    I ask, what is there to go on for once you've had it all (at least in your mind) and lost it?  I guess that's the challenge.

So now a little bit about my average life.  All the Doglios are gone for the weekend, which means I've got the house to myself.  It's not as great as it sounds though.  I've been quite bored and lonely.  It makes me wonder how I'll fare when I'm on my own after college.  I recently found out what my problem with reading was.  For the past two years I've been trying to read Hemingway's "For Whom The Bell Tolls" but haven't been able to finish it.  In the past two days I read "Angels and Demons".  The problem is that Hemingway was just a boring writer.  There just isn't enough of a plot to keep you going.  As far as music goes, I've been stuck in kind of a rut lately.  I mean I've been listening to quite a bit of new stuff (Wilco, Spoon, Elbow), but it just isn't captivating me.  As an alternative, I think that I want to start getting into techno.  Tonight when I was cruising around and as I'm writing this I've been listening to Paul Oakenfold, and I've been enjoying it.  Techno isn't really a genre I've explored a lot, and I'd really like to see what other kinds of stuff is out there.

Current Mood:  Discouraged
Currently listening to: Children at Play by The Underdogs/Tranceport by Paul Oakenfold
Last movie I saw: I, Robot
One line review: A good escape from reality ruined by poor explanations of sub-par plot twists.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best):  2.5 sucks

# posted by Phil : 11:11 PM