Blog of R'kik D'nec

I really wish I were more creative, or at least that I was better at being creative.  You see, I went into engineering because people told me that it was all about designing stuff.  Little did I know that design was actually about designing stuff, and that engineering was about planning the workings of stuff using mathematics crap.  I'd like to think that I'm an idea oriented person.  That's always what I've seen myself doing; coming up with the ideas for things and having that creative spark.  It's much more interesting and passionate than the cold boredom of "engineering".  I'm still fascinated by how things work, and I could see myself in sort of a research and development role, creating models and testing them out, rather than doing all kinds of calculations to find out if they work.  I don't even know if there are people that do that.  I don't know if there's really my dream job out there.  Alas, I'm stuck with the task of finding it in a mere 10 months.  Less than one month from now I move back to Case.  I'm really not sure if I'm ready to go back to school.  Working has been much more relaxing, and I'm worried about how much I've forgotten and how much I dislike my classes.  Oh well.  Ideally by this time next year I'll be working at a job that I find interesting and making a good amount of money in the process.  I think I've said this before, but the "real world" doesn't really start once you graduate high school.  It starts when you are finally fully independent and taking care of yourself, which is where I hope to be.
 
The last half of this week has been a slippery slope into another bout of depression.  I'm not sure exactly why things haven't been going well, but one of the big things is a lack of meaning.  I've been looking at things as if they are all temporary and unimportant.  It seems like everything in life is useless because you just end up dying anyway.  Life is temporary, so what's the point?  Another problem has been jealousy and longing for things I don't/can't have. 
 
It was an interesting week at work with Ben.  I've come to realize how similar he is to me.  Friday in one of our conversations he was saying a lot of things that I had been thinking about life and stuff.  It makes me feel closer to him, but at the same time makes me hate him.  I think to myself how I don't want to listen to this crap, and then realize that nobody wants to hear it from me either.  I also realized that all my ideas weren't original and that I'm not as special as I thought I was.  I really feel a strong repulsion to him because of this.  I guess that's why they say opposites attract.  Somebody too similar to yourself just makes you see all your flaws and hate yourself even more.
 
So now it's time for another "poetry corner":
 
I run up the stairs, I throw off my shoes
I walk to her door and what do I choose?
Do I dare go in?  Do I dare say hi?
Do I let all my inhibitions fly?
I want her to know, I want her to see
How very much she means to me.
 
Current Mood: Uncertain
Currently listening to: Franz Ferdinand by Franz Ferdinand
Last movie I saw: Me, Myself and Irene
One line review: Not really that funny or entertaining, in fact pretty much a waste of my time.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 4 sucks
 
Second to last movie I saw: Run, Lola, Run 
One line review: Quite interesting and very stylish, definitely worth watching as long as you can get past the subtitles.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 1.5 sucks