Blog of R'kik D'nec

I ate my egg roll. Aren't you proud of me? So apparently Mark is either "Mermaid" or "Ariel". JP is "Gosling", Jon is "Chia Pet" and I'm "Snuffalupagus". Random times in the suite tonight. Things are going good, as far as they can go, I suppose. A week from today is my last day of class as an undergraduate Aerospace Engineering major. The more I think about it and the closer it gets, the more graduation scares the crap out of me. I'm realizing that I have no direction and no future. I've always had some sort of concept of where I should be ending up. Through grade school it was my goal to get to middle school. In middle school, I was trying to get to high school, and in high school I always knew I was headed towards college. Now for the past 4 (or more) years, I've been expecting to head on out to a fulfilling, well paying job. The fact that I'm not is deeply disturbing. I'm sure I've talked before about how I get upset when my plans don't work out. This is a pretty freaking big disruption, if you ask me. The fact is, I want to try and control and plan every single aspect of my life. If I'm not in control, then I feel as if I have nothing. So yeah, facing graduation head on I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared, but I'm not unhappy. The more I think about it, the more I'm liking the idea of going back to school. A second degree in industrial design would be cool. Law school is an idea I've flirted with before and could be interesting. I'm not sure I'd want to continue in engineering, but doing some sort of research in robotics might be fun. As I was relating my options to Matt tonight, he summed it up by saying, "So basically you're pretty open to anything." I guess I am. I think that I'm going to continue looking for jobs that interest me and I could get right now. Hopefully something that pays well (I'm guessing I'll need at least 40K to pay my bills), and preferably something not in Cleveland or western New York. California would be awesome. Staying near home does have it's advantages though. Columbus might be a good place to live. I could visit my brother a lot and I could always swing up to Cleveland to catch up with Case folks. I do think I'd like to get away though. I'd love to travel this summer. The problem is money though. It would be awesome to visit Europe or go back to the Caribbean. If not now, when? Anyway, another random idea I got was starting my own business. The problems with that, though, are of course what sort of business I would start and where I would get the capital. Then there's always the military. Get college bills out of the way and work on cool Air Force stuff. The only downside is boot camp, a few years of being locked in to something, and the possibility of getting killed. Infinite possibilities, no idea where to start. Something will work out, right? That's what I've been telling myself all along. If it doesn't, what's the worst that could happen? I declare bankruptcy and live with my parents while working at Home Depot/WalMart/Tops??? Here's hoping it doesn't come to that. On a somewhat related note, while talking to my parents yesterday, my mom made some comment about how I haven't really put a lot of effort into my job search and that when I really tried that I wouldn't have any trouble finding a job. I know she meant to be encouraging, but there's a fine line between encouragement and looking down on me. While it's always true that I could put more effort into the job search, it's not like I haven't tried. I have. Besides, I'm not even sure I would want any job that I could get. Instead of jumping into the first thing that comes along, I should seize this opportunity to evaluate my life and decide what I really want. Anyway, right now I just have to focus on getting through the next two weeks. Then I can spend all the time I want thinking about my future. What about my future outside my professional life you ask? Well, I can't say that there have really been any developments on that front. I mean, there's still the issue of leaving in 3 weeks never to return. Why start anything now when it's doomed to fall apart in less than a month? I suppose I just use that as an excuse though. As Jon pointed out, it's not like I'll be doing anything this summer. I can always come visit Cleveland anytime I want. I guess this is a situation where I'm just scared and I am unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself for being such a coward and not wanting to take any risks. Taking risks with my career is one thing, but taking risks with people is quite another. I guess I'm just looking for some kind of support here. A little pat on the back and a "You can do it, Phil!". After all, I'll be gone in 3 weeks and any potential humiliation will be erased. What do I have to lose? Only all respect for and confidence in myself for the next year or more. *Sigh* You can never win if you never play. *Gulp*

Current Mood: Devious
Currently listening to: Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols by The Sex Pistols and The Ramones by The Ramones
Last movie I saw: Emma (1996)
One line review: Pretty much a "chick flick", didn't really enjoy it that much.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 3.5 sucks