Blog of R'kik D'nec

So I posted a nice little introspective piece over on my MySpace blog. There's a link to the right to my 'Space or you can go to:

blog.myspace.com/rkikdnec

It's titled "Growing up, moment by moment" Enjoy.

Current Mood: Calm
Currently listening to: Is This It by The Strokes
Last movie I saw: Find Your Own Way
One line review: Interesting, but didn't really go anywhere; it also seemed biased to one particular "scene"
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 3.5 sucks

The past few mornings I've woken up in a really good mood. It's been wonderful. I worked 10 hours today, yet the day still seemed to go by more quickly than yesterday. I didn't have my coffee yesterday morning, and the day just seemed to drag. I hate to say it, but I may be getting addicted to caffeine. I cut my toenails yesterday, which was something I had been neglecting for far too long. Today I got a lot of spam in my MySpace mail. It's not something I usually see, but I flagged like 5 messages today. I run icing tests in the wind tunnel, meaning the tunnel gets really (and I mean really) cold, like -30 C... I think it would be funny to lick the wind tunnel and get my tongue stuck to it. Now that would make a cool MySpace picture... If they allowed cameras in the "facility"... I can't even take my phone in to work because of the camera function. Not that it really matters. About the only people that call me are my parents and my brother. I've been neglecting my blogspot for far too long. I'm seriously getting addicted to MySpace. Even though it may be full of psychos and stalkers, there are some really cool people to be found. I saw a shirt the other day (online, not in person) that said "I'm a pimp on MySpace." I didn't buy it. In a way that's just kind of sad. (the shirt is sad, not that I didn't get it) The internet is a love hate relationship for me, for sure. Sigur Ros is coming to Minneapolis in May!!! I'm buying tickets on Saturday. So stoked. Well, that's about all the little ramblings I've got for tonight. Maybe it's just the fatigue from my long day talking, but hopefully there was some content in there that was interesting to you.

Current Mood: Tired
Currently listening to: The Grey Album by DJ Danger Mouse
Last movie I saw: (still) Crash
One line review: (still) A lot more racially motivated than I expected, but still pretty good.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): (still) 2.5 sucks (even if it is the "best picture")

Thanks for playing everybody! No, seriously. It's better that you didn't. Seriously.

Wow, what can I say? I guess since it seems that nobody reads this anymore, I can pretty much say anything. I'm an honest person anyway, and I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. So here goes nothing... A couple weeks ago, I met this really cool girl. We hung out a couple of times and seemed to really connect well. (Her name was the answer to the contest by the way.) I think she put it best when she said that she saw a lot of herself in me. Obviously I felt the same way about her. We always had really good conversations, from playfully teasing to more serious issues, we just seemed to click on a lot of levels. The last time I saw her was one week ago. We've talked online several times since then, and that's where the problem came up. She basically told me that she didn't want to get involved in a relationship right now. I told her that's fine. I told her that I'm really just looking for friends right now in a new and stragne place. I wasn't just partonizing her either. That is the truth, mostly... Would I mind starting a relationship with her? No, absolutely not, it would be great. But if that's not what she wants, I can respect her decision. I would be thrilled to just become close friends with her, especially since we seemed to relate so well. I wouldn't throw away the chance to gain a good friend just because I couldn't have a more serious relationship. She comes back to me, though, saying that she's not good at being just freinds with boys. Now, the way I see it, there are two possible ways to interpret this. The first is that she doesn't actually like me and is trying to politely blow me off. I really have a hard time accepting this explanation, though, basesd on how she acted around me the few times that we hung out. There is the possibility that I did something wrong in the past week or so to change her mind, but I really can't see anything that I did that would spark such a radical reversal. Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope not. That brings us to the second explanation, and hopefully the correct one. Maybe she's completely telling the truth. Maybe she really doesn't want to be in a realationship right now. Maybe she really does like me and is afraid that she is incapable of just being my freind, that inevitably it will lead to more. Maybe she's been hurt in the past by bad relationships and is afraid of it happening again. While I don't understand her willingness to throw away the possibility of a good freindship for the fear of getting hurt, it at least makes sense that someone could feel that way. I accept her need to deal with these very real and potentially hurtful emotions. Even if it means that I'll never get to see her again. I just hope that in the future she'll be able to deal with her fears and learn to trust again. Life's too short to live in fear of love. I just wish that things had turned out differently...

I'm not sure if she reads this anymore, but if you do, I'd just like to know; did I do anything wrong? I'm sorry if I did.

Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: The Bends by Radiohead and Based on a True Story by The Starting Line
Last movie I saw: (still) Crash
One line review: (still) A lot more racially motivated than I expected, but still pretty good.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): (still) 2.5 sucks (even if it is the "best picture")

A blank page is intimidating. What's the first thing that comes into my mind when I sit down to write with no particular purpose? The same two syllables that have been randomly inserting themselves into my thoughts all day. The same problem that's had my mind doing incessant triple-axles, trying to turn it over every which way in the hope that some alternate point of view will suddenly make everything perfectly clear. (How'd you like my Olympics reference there? Timely, no?) So shall I discuss this so-called "problem"? You should know me better than that by now. After all, where would this blog be without vague references? But hey, why don't we turn this into a fun little game. Posting a comment with your best guess as to what the "two syllables" are will accomplish two purposes... First off, it will allow me to see if anyone actually reads this blog anymore, and secondly it will enter you in the "Guess What Phil's Talking About Game"! A correct answer is worth 10 points, a half-correct or related answer is worth 4 points, the most funny answer is worth 5 points, and just for posting any guess, you get 1 point. So there you go; best of luck to everybody and be sure to watch for future installments of the game!

Risks.
They make life interesting. But then, a lot of things make life interesting. I've found myself saying that about a lot of things lately. Wouldn't it be great if you could find life interesting without taking chances or living through drama or without any of the other negative side-effects that so often come entwined with out-of-the-ordinary or "interesting" events in our lives? Sadly, a predictable life is a boring one. I'm not a risk taker by nature. I decided to buck that trend in the middle of writing this blog and it totally backfired on me. You might find it interesting though, so I'll relate the story here for your entertainment. Basically I called up a girl that I had gotten the number of this past weekend and left a message. I'm sober right now, and this was quite possibly one of the worst non-drunken messages that anyone's left a quasi-stranger ever....ever. I rambled on for about a minute, repeated myself several times, didn't come across with any clear point, ended up calling myself a psycho (yes, to her voicemail!) , and finally practically begged her to call me back. What can I say? I just snapped. Needless to say, I don't expect to be hearing from her any time soon, let alone ever. If somehow I miracuously do hear back, don't worry, I'm sure I'll be telling you about it... Risks suck. It's a wonder anyone ever takes them, knowing full well the negative consequences that could befall them. Hahahahaha, all I can do is laugh.....

Current Mood: Topsy-turvey
Currently listening to: A Hangover You Don't Deserve by Bowling for Soup and Howl Howl Gaff Gaff by Shout Out Louds
Last movie I saw: Crash
One line review: A lot more racially motivated than I expected, but still pretty good.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 2.5 sucks

I'm confused. Don't pay any attention to me. People may relate to depression, but they don't want to think about it if they don't have to. Maybe I should just shut up. It's not like I'm even creating anything of value.

Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: Watching Family Guy (come on, it's Sunday night!)
Last movie I saw: See previous post, I haven't watched anything new since then
One line review: See previous post.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): See previous post.

I wrote a song. It sucks. Mom, don't let it get to you. Hopefully some of you will relate. After all, isn't that what music/art are really about? Making connections on some level of the human experience and feeling for a brief moment that you're not alone and someone else is going through the same things as you.

It's Friday night and I'm still home alone.
I'm even too scared to pick up the phone,
'Cause what good will it do me anyway?
These voices in my head are here to stay.

You're wrong. You suck.
You're a loser and you know it.
Don't even try
To make it 'cause you'll blow it.
I can't describe
How many ways you make me sick.
And I'm damn sure
No girl'll ever touch your dick.

Somebody stop these voices in my head!
Before they
Rip me apart with all the things they said
And I Con-
vince myself it's better if I'm dead.
Please tell me
How I can stop these voices in my head!

Am I worthless, is it true?
Maybe you will hate me too...
These voices fill me with such doubt
But I can never get them out!

You're wrong. You suck.
You're a loser and you know it.
Don't even try
To make it 'cause you'll blow it.
I can't describe
How many ways you make me sick.
And I'm damn sure
No girl'll ever touch your dick.

Somebody stop these voices in my head!
Before they
Rip me apart with all the things they said
And I Con-
vince myself it's better if I'm dead.
Please tell me
How I can stop these voices in my head!
Please tell me
Why can't I stop these voices in my head?

Current Mood: Take a wild guess...
Currently listening to: See above.
Last movie I saw: See previous post, I haven't watched anything new since then
One line review: See previous post.
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): See previous post.

So it's been awhile. Again. Sorry about that to any faithful readers I may still have. All I can say is that you knew what you were getting into. Infrequent updates and long periods of neglect are the norm for the majority of blogs, I would venture. So reading over my last entry, a lot has changed since then. At least on the job front. I guess you could say I landed a "plush $50k a year engineering job in an exotic locale", that is if you consider Minneapolis to be exotic. Other than that, I still haven't written that neon scenery poem, and I still am not convinced that Case was the best choice college wise, and I'm still as confused and frustrated as ever by girls, that is I would be if I ever interacted with any... The truth is, I go to work, I come home, I don't know anybody here yet. It hasn't really been bothering me that much yet. I've kind of accepted that I've got the rest of my life to get things done. What's the rush? My life up to this point has been one of change and temporary situations. High school, college, 4 years, 4 more years. There was always an end in sight. Now it's like, where's the end? Where's the goal? Retirement? I've got a 401k now. Honestly though, I've been hit with the feeling that my life is going to be the same for the forseeable future.

I'm "like, an adult" now.

It's a little intimidating, but at the same time liberating. There isn't as much stress to push yourself and achieve. Things are stable, and you've got all the time in the world. Yes, youth is wasting away, but that's intangible. What is youth? A state of mind. I really like something my temp boss Bruce told me when he showed me a picture of himself as a kid. He said: "That's me. I'm still the same person. I'm just masquerading as an adult." It's funny how we change and yet stay the same. That brings up a whole other set of problems in defining our individuality and even our soul. I'll leave that for another time. For now, I'll just get down to the basic facts for those of you who might be lost at this point and I haven't talked to individually yet. I got kicked out of Elmwood (again) by my neighbors that I was staying with on my birthday night. I went back home and continued working at Unifrax until the end of December. Meanwhile I had a couple interviews with Goodrich Sensor Systems, who subsequently offered me a job which I accepted. The first week of January I moved out to Minneapolis, MN. I'm now working as a wind tunnel project engineer for Goodrich doing icing wind tunnel tests on aircraft sensor probes. It's a lot of hands on work and testing, which I enjoy. The people I work with are nice and so far work has been going really well. That's the bare bones of it, but if you contact me individually I'd be happy to share more details with you. Do try to keep in touch everyone. Thanks,

~Phil

Current Mood: Pretty happy
Currently listening to: Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan
Last movie I saw: Mean Girls (again)
One line review: Why I watched this movie again is a mystery, oh wait; Lindsay Lohan, nevermind...
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): 4 sucks

Neon scenery.

What a phrase. Don't steal it from me. I'm going to work it into a poem at some later time. I've just been saying it over and over again since it came to me during one of those half-conscious verge of sleep situations. I love the way it rolls off the tongue.

I'm making $20k a year, but my job is only guarenteed for another month or so. I was unemployed for five months and probably will be again soon. I'm currently homeless and living on the floor of two awesome girls that I've only known for two months. I'm stuck in Western New York for the time being. Needless to say, this is not where I pictured myself after graduation from college. Where's my plush $50k a year engineering job in an exotic locale? Why, even when things have been miraculously working out, does it seem like I'm a complete failure? Sometimes I look at my college experience and feel that it failed me. I mean, when my parents went to college they found jobs and they found each other. I have no job, I have no girlfriend, and for the moment, I don't even have a home. I wonder what greater purpose this all is serving. How will this period of uncertainty and chaos shape me for the future? It can be so frustrating to only see the present moment. I know I'm not going to be in this situation forever, and I know something great is coming, but I desperately wish I could see how.

So my mom has been repeating this phrase over and over today; "Stress is the difference between what you were expecting and what actually happens." I guess you could say I've been going through a lot of stress lately. It's not just in the areas that I've mentioned above; career, location, housing, etc... but also in that area that I always allude to and never explicitly mention. Yeah, you know the one. How is it possible to think about girls and sex constantly and yet feel so uncomfortable writing about it? Maybe because it's the area of my life where I feel most vulnerable. Do you know how much it hurts to like someone when they only see you as a friend? Have you felt that hollowness in your stomach when you see them constantly flirting with other guys and never with you? How do you think it feels to be in the middle of a conversation with someone you like only to watch their gaze wander off? Even worse, what about the feeling you get when you realize that someone you thought was interested in you was actually only using you? Of course, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone has these feelings at some point, right? I'm not special. It's hard and I don't understand any of it. It frustrates me and hijacks my thoughts. I can't escape the feeling that I'm a failure, and always will be. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts with regards to girls as I have with job hunting. I keep trying and trying, nothing works out, and I just get more and more discouraged. At least with the job hunt, there's the financial pressure to keep me motivated. Where's my motivation to keep getting struck down, used, crushed, and relegated to the "friend" bin?

Listen to me: "Pity me! Please!" Damn, I disgust myself.

Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: The Everglow by Mae and Plans by Death Cab For Cutie and Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack
Last movie I saw: the first 15 minutes of Saw, but then I had to leave because of a violent cat allergy attack....
One line review: Saw is a decent movie, but this time it sucked because my face swelled up to the size of a watermellon
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): movie is 2.5 sucks, viewing experience was 5.0 sucks