Monday, November 07, 2005
Random thoughts from yesterday
Neon scenery.
What a phrase. Don't steal it from me. I'm going to work it into a poem at some later time. I've just been saying it over and over again since it came to me during one of those half-conscious verge of sleep situations. I love the way it rolls off the tongue.
I'm making $20k a year, but my job is only guarenteed for another month or so. I was unemployed for five months and probably will be again soon. I'm currently homeless and living on the floor of two awesome girls that I've only known for two months. I'm stuck in Western New York for the time being. Needless to say, this is not where I pictured myself after graduation from college. Where's my plush $50k a year engineering job in an exotic locale? Why, even when things have been miraculously working out, does it seem like I'm a complete failure? Sometimes I look at my college experience and feel that it failed me. I mean, when my parents went to college they found jobs and they found each other. I have no job, I have no girlfriend, and for the moment, I don't even have a home. I wonder what greater purpose this all is serving. How will this period of uncertainty and chaos shape me for the future? It can be so frustrating to only see the present moment. I know I'm not going to be in this situation forever, and I know something great is coming, but I desperately wish I could see how.
So my mom has been repeating this phrase over and over today; "Stress is the difference between what you were expecting and what actually happens." I guess you could say I've been going through a lot of stress lately. It's not just in the areas that I've mentioned above; career, location, housing, etc... but also in that area that I always allude to and never explicitly mention. Yeah, you know the one. How is it possible to think about girls and sex constantly and yet feel so uncomfortable writing about it? Maybe because it's the area of my life where I feel most vulnerable. Do you know how much it hurts to like someone when they only see you as a friend? Have you felt that hollowness in your stomach when you see them constantly flirting with other guys and never with you? How do you think it feels to be in the middle of a conversation with someone you like only to watch their gaze wander off? Even worse, what about the feeling you get when you realize that someone you thought was interested in you was actually only using you? Of course, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone has these feelings at some point, right? I'm not special. It's hard and I don't understand any of it. It frustrates me and hijacks my thoughts. I can't escape the feeling that I'm a failure, and always will be. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts with regards to girls as I have with job hunting. I keep trying and trying, nothing works out, and I just get more and more discouraged. At least with the job hunt, there's the financial pressure to keep me motivated. Where's my motivation to keep getting struck down, used, crushed, and relegated to the "friend" bin?
Listen to me: "Pity me! Please!" Damn, I disgust myself.
Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: The Everglow by Mae and Plans by Death Cab For Cutie and Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack
Last movie I saw: the first 15 minutes of Saw, but then I had to leave because of a violent cat allergy attack....
One line review: Saw is a decent movie, but this time it sucked because my face swelled up to the size of a watermellon
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): movie is 2.5 sucks, viewing experience was 5.0 sucks
(1) comments
What a phrase. Don't steal it from me. I'm going to work it into a poem at some later time. I've just been saying it over and over again since it came to me during one of those half-conscious verge of sleep situations. I love the way it rolls off the tongue.
I'm making $20k a year, but my job is only guarenteed for another month or so. I was unemployed for five months and probably will be again soon. I'm currently homeless and living on the floor of two awesome girls that I've only known for two months. I'm stuck in Western New York for the time being. Needless to say, this is not where I pictured myself after graduation from college. Where's my plush $50k a year engineering job in an exotic locale? Why, even when things have been miraculously working out, does it seem like I'm a complete failure? Sometimes I look at my college experience and feel that it failed me. I mean, when my parents went to college they found jobs and they found each other. I have no job, I have no girlfriend, and for the moment, I don't even have a home. I wonder what greater purpose this all is serving. How will this period of uncertainty and chaos shape me for the future? It can be so frustrating to only see the present moment. I know I'm not going to be in this situation forever, and I know something great is coming, but I desperately wish I could see how.
So my mom has been repeating this phrase over and over today; "Stress is the difference between what you were expecting and what actually happens." I guess you could say I've been going through a lot of stress lately. It's not just in the areas that I've mentioned above; career, location, housing, etc... but also in that area that I always allude to and never explicitly mention. Yeah, you know the one. How is it possible to think about girls and sex constantly and yet feel so uncomfortable writing about it? Maybe because it's the area of my life where I feel most vulnerable. Do you know how much it hurts to like someone when they only see you as a friend? Have you felt that hollowness in your stomach when you see them constantly flirting with other guys and never with you? How do you think it feels to be in the middle of a conversation with someone you like only to watch their gaze wander off? Even worse, what about the feeling you get when you realize that someone you thought was interested in you was actually only using you? Of course, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone has these feelings at some point, right? I'm not special. It's hard and I don't understand any of it. It frustrates me and hijacks my thoughts. I can't escape the feeling that I'm a failure, and always will be. I've been having a lot of the same thoughts with regards to girls as I have with job hunting. I keep trying and trying, nothing works out, and I just get more and more discouraged. At least with the job hunt, there's the financial pressure to keep me motivated. Where's my motivation to keep getting struck down, used, crushed, and relegated to the "friend" bin?
Listen to me: "Pity me! Please!" Damn, I disgust myself.
Current Mood: Confused
Currently listening to: The Everglow by Mae and Plans by Death Cab For Cutie and Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack
Last movie I saw: the first 15 minutes of Saw, but then I had to leave because of a violent cat allergy attack....
One line review: Saw is a decent movie, but this time it sucked because my face swelled up to the size of a watermellon
On a scale of 0-5 sucks (0 being the best): movie is 2.5 sucks, viewing experience was 5.0 sucks
